Behind every tattoo lies an interesting story no one gives a fuck about.

The only regrets I have are every decision I've ever made in my entire life.

The hotter the sex, the harder it is to find your clothes afterward.

My daughter tried to put a marble in her butt crack and I just yelled at her 'We never put things in our butt!" and felt like a hypocrite.

I fail to see how being spit on is sexy. Hair pulling, choking, spanking and ejaculating on me I can understand, but please don't demean me.

The quickest way to get my husband to start a conversation with me is to start reading a book.

I want you to put your ranch dressing all up in my hidden valley.

Always a pallbearer, never the corpse.

If I've learned one thing about rape, it's that if I'm ever raped I should cry in the shower afterward.

I want my vagina to have that "just been fucked" look.

Okay, people who 'don't get twitter', 'bathe regularly', 'talk to their spouses' and 'feed their kids' I get it. You're better than me.

Do my three texts to your every one make me look too eager?

Being sore after sex is really something. Developing sores after sex is something else entirely.

I hope people don't star my shit out of obligation, just because I star theirs. That would cheapen my twitter experience. More.

Observing a penis in it's natural environment - flaccid and unpresuming, is kind of sad and embarrassing like seeing KISS without makeup.

As I watch my girls play on my bed I realize they are wrestling all over a minefield of dried come. Good times.

Dressing slutty to go out is all fun and games till you're walking downtown at night hoping to fuck a car doesn't stop to ask you how much.

You can never truly know someone else's motives. Unless of course it's a guy, then vagina.

My super power is shaking that ass like a black girl.

I got a picture in the mail today of a baby with a harelip. It breaks my heart that someone couldn't take the time to airbrush it off.