My stupid wife shrank my shirts in the laundry. And my pants. And belt. And space behind the steering wheel of my car.

Dumbass.

If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you shut the fuck up for a little while?

My interest in your day is directly proportional to how bad I want to see you naked.

Gin is a universal solvent. It slowly dissolves all my problems, worries, relationships, ambitions, self awareness...

Getting remarried tells me you're a slow learner.

I don't know why I do sex tweets. I might as well write about being a millionaire astronaut.

Grip the shaft, cup the base and stuff as much of it in your mouth as you possibly can without gagging. -How to properly eat a burrito.

Working from home means looking at pussy instead of listening to assholes.

My dog just farted so loud he woke himself up and started barking out the window.

He's the dog version of me.

If you can't say something nice, just say the bad stuff really fast and cover your genitals.

I believe cannibals would refer to me as "well marbled".

You're right honey, this pizza IS better than sex. Cause we have it more often. And I can order what I want. And it's already hot.

Revenge is a dish best served UP YOUR ASS, FUCKFACE.

I hope women appreciate the amount of will power it takes to maintain eye contact when you're wearing something low cut.

I just want someone who wants to watch Walking Dead and porn with me. So a dude, I guess?

The dinner I'm cooking says adult. The Star Wars apron I'm wearing disagrees.

What kind of flowers best say, "Sorry for the surprise anal?"

My neck. My back. Rub my tummy, make a snack.

When some of you mention your husband or boyfriend, I feel like you're cheating on me.

Then I remember that I'm apparently a psychopath.

My mischievous smile says "charming", but my body says "french fries."