"No. Delete it." -Mona Lisa

There should be a background check before the NRA is allowed to buy a senator.

My last fart sounded like a dying old woman calling out for her husband Frank.

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn't, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

Guns don't avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

This coffee is so strong it just raised 5 children on a nurse's salary.

It's only been a few days, but I'm starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.

I hope you're using all the time you save by saying "totes" instead of a "totally" to learn a trade.

If Paul Ryan popped up in the first ten minutes of a Law and Order episode, you'd be all "oh, he's the killer".

If you vote against Obama because he can't get stuff done, it's kinda like saying, "this guy can't cure cancer. I'm gonna vote for cancer."

Does Todd Akin get the irony of staying in and going all the way even though no one wants him to?

Hell hath no fury like a woman slightly inconvenienced.

I like how we say "vegan" now instead of "eating disorder".

It's Record Store Day! So head on down to where yours used to be and pick up a Jamba Juice!

"I'm on the phone with the studio right now! They want to know the title! Yes, right now! Come on, think!!" "Um, uh...Gangster Squad?"

Lactose intolerance is born out of lactose ignorance.

Every neck tattoo should read "I'm not getting the job, am I?"

Must be weird for Ron Jeremy to be the one staring at the ceiling and wishing he was somewhere else.

Don't talk to me before I've had my coffee or while I'm having my coffee or after I've had my coffee.

All the wrong people are confident.