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"No. Delete it." -Mona Lisa
If only Zimmerman had taken this long to decide if someone was guilty.
Donald Trump and Chris Christie look like rival strip club owners.
When I was a kid, we had to do emojis with our face.
I'm very sorry to hear that the direct and predictable results of your actions happened to you.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
There should be a background check before the NRA is allowed to buy a senator.
My last fart sounded like a dying old woman calling out for her husband Frank.
Sochi: come for the Olympics, stay because you died.
I'm gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
This coffee is so strong it just raised 5 children on a nurse's salary.
"Well, I have to be there at 7, so I'll leave at 7, which means I should shower at 7." -people I'm meeting
"The thing I saw on the news will happen to you." -moms
Guns don't avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Pornography only gets called by its full name when it's in trouble.
It's only been a few days, but I'm starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.
Oh, the tittle of your song isn't in the lyrics? Aren't YOU a fancy band.
I hope you're using all the time you save by saying "totes" instead of a "totally" to learn a trade.
So I think the Met Gala is just they get out of a car, they go up the stairs and inside there's just another car that drives them back home.
Cynical shell. Soft, chewy center.
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