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"No. Delete it." -Mona Lisa
If only Zimmerman had taken this long to decide if someone was guilty.
There should be a background check before the NRA is allowed to buy a senator.
My last fart sounded like a dying old woman calling out for her husband Frank.
Sochi: come for the Olympics, stay because you died.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
This coffee is so strong it just raised 5 children on a nurse's salary.
"Well, I have to be there at 7, so I'll leave at 7, which means I should shower at 7." -people I'm meeting
Guns don't avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
It's only been a few days, but I'm starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.
I hope you're using all the time you save by saying "totes" instead of a "totally" to learn a trade.
Making fun of someone's age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you're standing a little further down the tracks.
To get your porn name, take your local weatherman's name and that's it.
I'm very sorry to hear that the direct and predictable results of your actions happened to you.
Block my tears, Tim Howard.
Every neck tattoo should read "I'm not getting the job, am I?"
If Paul Ryan popped up in the first ten minutes of a Law and Order episode, you'd be all "oh, he's the killer".
If you vote against Obama because he can't get stuff done, it's kinda like saying, "this guy can't cure cancer. I'm gonna vote for cancer."
Hell hath no fury like a woman slightly inconvenienced.