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"No. Delete it." -Mona Lisa
If only Zimmerman had taken this long to decide if someone was guilty.
When I was a kid, we had to do emojis with our face.
There should be a background check before the NRA is allowed to buy a senator.
My last fart sounded like a dying old woman calling out for her husband Frank.
I'm very sorry to hear that the direct and predictable results of your actions happened to you.
Sochi: come for the Olympics, stay because you died.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
This coffee is so strong it just raised 5 children on a nurse's salary.
I'm gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
"Well, I have to be there at 7, so I'll leave at 7, which means I should shower at 7." -people I'm meeting
Guns don't avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
"The thing I saw on the news will happen to you." -moms
It's only been a few days, but I'm starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.
Pornography only gets called by its full name when it's in trouble.
Oh, the tittle of your song isn't in the lyrics? Aren't YOU a fancy band.
I hope you're using all the time you save by saying "totes" instead of a "totally" to learn a trade.
Making fun of someone's age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you're standing a little further down the tracks.
To get your porn name, take your local weatherman's name and that's it.
Cynical shell. Soft, chewy center.
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