I'm going to name all of my children "Brad" ... because I already know they'll be the worst, why delay the inevitable?

All I want is food... And money... So I can buy more food.

BREAKING: KimK announced the name of her baby will be "Green Plant" and then followed with a "Fuck you Jay Z & Beyonce." and then a mic drop

Dear AutoCorrect, Please learn that I'm almost never typing "good" and almost always typing "food".

"You are a whisper on the lips of the most beautiful supermodel in the world" - @benbruker

True love is someone you put deodorant on in front of.

Advice I just gave to a friend: "Well you probably shouldn't make out with him if you're googling 'signs he's a serial killer'"

Funny, Blue Ivy is the name of my yoga instructor's dog's therapist's horticulturist's line of tea. Small world.

#FF @brandamonium @bomatson @howieekremer @thegynomite @nerdmelt @nerdist aka everyone that made next saturday's LOUD NOISES possible!

So everyone's dressing up as Amanda Bynes' lazy eye for Halloween right? Just want to make sure I got the memo.

Found an iPhone. The Find My iPhone app message that popped up was "I'll suck you're dick if you give me this iPhone back." 50% Genius.

I'll assume anyone who isn't streaming JT's album on iTunes is in North Korea.

Fuck those haters, I would LOVE to hear about the dream you had last night.

Hamburgers are just cheeseburgers going comando.

If watching the Rugrats Hanukkah episode is wrong then I don't know what's right

Was there ever a porn called "The Lovely Boner"? If not, that's a waste of a perfectly good opportunity.

@charley_koontz Reading sucks. TV RULES!

Jay-Z wont stop texting me! #burnsideproblems

Everyone go see @goldmanneil at the @nerdist writers panel on sunday!!! http://t.co/RWG0Pn11

They're so great! @alisonbrie @cyrinafiallo @ juliannagull http://t.co/4YZEDliu