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I'm going to name all of my children "Brad" ... because I already know they'll be the worst, why delay the inevitable?
All I want is food... And money... So I can buy more food.
BREAKING: KimK announced the name of her baby will be "Green Plant" and then followed with a "Fuck you Jay Z & Beyonce." and then a mic drop
Dear AutoCorrect, Please learn that I'm almost never typing "good" and almost always typing "food".
True love is someone you put deodorant on in front of.
Advice I just gave to a friend: "Well you probably shouldn't make out with him if you're googling 'signs he's a serial killer'"
Funny, Blue Ivy is the name of my yoga instructor's dog's therapist's horticulturist's line of tea. Small world.
So everyone's dressing up as Amanda Bynes' lazy eye for Halloween right? Just want to make sure I got the memo.
Found an iPhone. The Find My iPhone app message that popped up was "I'll suck you're dick if you give me this iPhone back." 50% Genius.
I'll assume anyone who isn't streaming JT's album on iTunes is in North Korea.
Fuck those haters, I would LOVE to hear about the dream you had last night.
Hamburgers are just cheeseburgers going comando.
If watching the Rugrats Hanukkah episode is wrong then I don't know what's right
Was there ever a porn called "The Lovely Boner"? If not, that's a waste of a perfectly good opportunity.
Jay-Z wont stop texting me! #burnsideproblems
Thinking about what I want to eat for dinner next Thursday.