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Stunt casting: Making terrible shows bearable and audiences everywhere go... How much you think they paid that guy?
Sign of depression: All variations of the frown emoji exist in your "recently used" section.
Wishin and hopin and prayin and poopin
I'm going to name all of my children "Brad" ... because I already know they'll be the worst, why delay the inevitable?
I prefer pasta to most people.
All I want is food... And money... So I can buy more food.
BREAKING: KimK announced the name of her baby will be "Green Plant" and then followed with a "Fuck you Jay Z & Beyonce." and then a mic drop
Autocorrect: Assume it's always whore and never who're.
This bar is playing Guster and I don't remember getting on a plane to Ohio in 2007.
I like to live everyday like I just found out there's going to be an NSYNC reunion.
For a split second I thought "I should call Mona and ask if my videos are still uploading." Ramona is my cat and I'm going to jump now.
When you type in "24 Hour" on Google, it automatically adds "Fitness" and I feel like a real fatty deleting "fitness" and typing "donuts"
"A Dick And His Pic" TM, A children's book complete with illustrations and play phone! Perfect for boys ages 3-12! Batteries not included.
Dear AutoCorrect, Please learn that I'm almost never typing "good" and almost always typing "food".
True love is someone you put deodorant on in front of.
Advice I just gave to a friend: "Well you probably shouldn't make out with him if you're googling 'signs he's a serial killer'"
Funny, Blue Ivy is the name of my yoga instructor's dog's therapist's horticulturist's line of tea. Small world.
I really love my cat, Tobasco sauce and National Treasure. Like a lot,