Uh oh, my thumb fits in my belly button. That can't be good, right?

Well hello corn, I hope you had a good trip.

"Yes I would like 20 dollar burgers" - fatties in the drive thru

I'm gonna start calling the gays, rainbros.

2 motorcycle cops = chips; 2 bicycle cops = pacific blue

I think someone committed suicide at my apartment complex, REM's everybody hurts is playing loudly from their apartment.

"@jennyjohnsonhi5: Don't do anything tonight that will require a trip to Planned Parenthood in the morning." They're closed, holiday hours.

I have no Internet on my computer, now I understand why porn on VHS existed.

Michael Winslow live, also known as...Morse code live!

I finally watched usual suspects, but I gotta say it's no hobo with a shotgun.

Wow, @joseisadeadman and I just had a conversation about not seeing blood from a butthole...thanks @therealxpac

@westergard84 Remember this?  http://twitpic.com/5r7es  Because I do! haha

First words to his "girlfriend":
Manti Te'o: a/s/l?

@westergard84 Get to work you bum

Feelin 'merican!!!! pic.twitter.com/vpcsxQvp

My job is to help customers make websites....I give them the tools, and they come up with this http://t.co/Woffir6J

“@joseisadeadman: WTF is an Encyclopedia?” you mean a Wikipedia?

I don't get the relationship of birds and bees. It seems so complicated

Why is Lou Holtz trending on twitter? Did he die again?

It was a good night when your farts sound like an angry Donald duck.