“The Force” is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can’t tell he is kissing his own sister?

I bet the worst part of dying a virgin is knowing you are going to get fucked by a terrorist.

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

My parents organise the weirdest flash mobs. It’s just a room full of people telling me my drinking is out of control.

I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying bitch isn’t “fun to be around”.

Girls, If you are naked and flirting you are doing one thing more than you need to.

How do I politely tell a new guy at work that “I do the jokes around here”?

Inspirational tweeters are probably the same guys that bring a guitar to a party.

I wish you'd told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I've already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

The best part of having a prostitute die on you is the second hour is free!

I masturbated so much yesterday that generations of sperm to come will talk about what they were doing on the holocaust of September 20.

I wonder if Darth Vader cut off Luke's hand because he knew that Luke was masturbating over his sister.

I can take constructive criticism if you can take destructive violence.

I bet Clint Eastwood always uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” option on google.

Yes, I’m tweeting for the sake of tweeting. I’m sorry that my tweets aren’t curing cancer like yours are.

If vagina can't cure homosexuality religion's got no chance.

If I could go back in time & meet the guy in school who said I'd never amount to anything I'd ask if he has any other accurate predictions.

How wild would it be if Jesus and disco came back at the same time?

If twitter had a swear jar we could cure cancer.

Wow 630 followers and all its cost me is my job, my relationship and my sense of decency.