Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Why, oh why do the dumbest people have the loudest voices?
All I can think about is how much shorter the story you're telling could be.
There's two types of people in this world and I'm not either of them.
I never thought I'd meet someone like you. This is a nightmare.
Who wants to get drunk and forget they are a terrible person?
Hear that dry, hissing noise?
That's the sound of my job,
sucking the very life out of my soul.
You know who has the smallest penises in the world?
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Everyone else is just as awful as we are, but they're too chicken shit to talk about it.
I think, therefore I'm single.
So, I was thinking...
And decided not to.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
My kid asked if we have a thesaurus & I told her to use her brain. I mean it'd be pretty fucking obvious if we had a dinosaur wouldn't it?
"He's a cunt ...and so's he ...she's a massive cunt, oh and that guy over there ...cunt." ~ Me, showing the new guy around the office.
I love when you go to get a massage and they ask you where it hurts and you start crying cause it’s your entire existence.
Yes! It hurt like a son-of-a-bitch when I fell from heaven.
It's sad when you realize you'll never be able to blow things up with your mind.
Sleep is for losers.
Happy, well-rested losers.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I'm joking.
I'm surprised you managed to fit your entire ego into that selfie.
My first ever Melbourne Comedy Festival show Straight Out The Closet is April12 get tickets at http://www.freecomedy.com.au