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  • Kimpulses
      Kim @Kimpulses

    Ended a relationship today. Don't worry, it wasn't mine.

    • 1,396
    • LIKES
    AlexTheAlkyTheGladStorkjschwab1978ScarsFourEyesRachithGajwanipatchouliluvrdebbiefromiowamartydrinksbeer
    • 376
    • RETWEETS
    jschwab1978lanreall22RachithGajwaniUchiha_ChukamartydrinksbeerJohnBechardbokneeyashoesurgeon
    bdbdleeroybrownjumpdasharkThrill_TweeterLeahKnauerGeoroyoCamusOverEasyRummyLaudedjasonlight73goreysgirl________lemmywinkler______
  • ScobeyWanKenobi
      Serena Scobey @ScobeyWanKenobi

    *Forgets ID*
    *Recites Fresh Prince lyrics*
    Doorman: Step right in, ma'am.
    Me: Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's cool it with the "ma'ams" OK, kiddo?!

    • 42
    • LIKES
    AntonyPuzzelloiGreenMonkluvmyADHDbdbdleeroybrownPatheticistizrigrodAlanFelykcommuter_haiku
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    AntonyPuzzelloiGreenMonkadele_domanndarrinfbdevc0olitsmetrbzami_singsonaGooSelife
    bdbdleeroybrown
  • 5hael
      shael @5hael

    lol at people that have just joined twitter, cause we’ve already tweeted everything.

    • 2,382
    • LIKES
    AlexTheAlkysmellthewalletdianneirlChumpstringFeralCroneJlofarsayscagradyMikey__Yekim
    • 1,614
    • RETWEETS
    maryswagberryWheelTodToxicProbablyNikkeya08cassiopea__Shikoh88MarkBuckawickiRdrJay47
    bdbdleeroybrownshegotagronkjoeldangerMoneypennyNakedthetobbiellvvzzjedfudallyJennifergr8jimmy_sharpeSlayerSays________DudeImShawnnotfaizzyTheRealLobot______claire_mudie
  • redpawn3
      Rock God @redpawn3

    Can we just take a vote?

    Star this IF you think my avatar looks like a butt plug.


    That is all.

    • 942
    • LIKES
    kerouac741_TheGreatGrizz_bdbdleeroybrowncydnizoiHomeProbablytricyclerunawayWULFDEANviolet_heartin
    • 98
    • RETWEETS
    _TheGreatGrizz_cydnizoiviolet_heartinAdyacesSarcasiliciousEllierocks2013GiantForeheadCotysGotThis
    bdbdleeroybrownGreenSmoke_
  • SolelyB
      B @SolelyB

    The best revenge is to not care enough to want revenge.

    • 2,231
    • LIKES
    LaniBenoi_wasnt_lookingJanelixir__RanaZaki_mlb_matosimajsharmaajitmisbeccachance22
    • 1,749
    • RETWEETS
    CerebralWreckJanelixir__imajsharmawilson_mistiE_1810diana_spindlerlovemydogduckshmooth
    bdbdleeroybrowncleve66TinksEyeViewJack_Herererer__ddscrapBlue_Plus_GreennerdreignThedudishdrunknerdproPolllyWantsa__TomTheWicked______Lisabug74life_sucker
  • MedicatedMark
      Marknado @MedicatedMark

    It's such a buzz kill when your husband wants to watch us having sex....and doesn't jerk off.

    • 268
    • LIKES
    jdbalani__17dueceSarahAnnemynameisellepTenisWenis83dPiratePrincess__Bubbablk1thebelleofbama
    • 139
    • RETWEETS
    Buh_Bitchesjdbalani__17duecedPiratePrincess__thebelleofbamasolitudedrmr1__steedsaysmyboots111
    bdbdleeroybrown
  • JerryThomas
      JerryThomas @JerryThomas

    I'm cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.

    • 662
    • LIKES
    MolotovJohnnysteve_condraMentalMisterSzusHllvvzzzgeniusindisgizemiketh57Arios53
    • 60
    • RETWEETS
    MentalMister2happyrightalterConsultantLoverOfComics94bdbdleeroybrownsuburbansaneHolyWhiteHoundstimothy_reedy
    bdbdleeroybrownlllvvvzzzPrincessBailySkunkFarts
  • LucyXIV
      Lucy Valentine @LucyXIV

    "just get a job" is the modern day "let them eat cake"

    • 130
    • LIKES
    buzzy_rascalgeniusindisgizeShealavbamybesscookNapaIndian1961rororocktheb0atconnorweberduchessgoldblat
    • 121
    • RETWEETS
    amybesscookNapaIndian1961hyetigranAnastasiaAshman_SockwellzspencerSilvanaMondoSilvanaVukadin
    bdbdleeroybrown
  • brakco
      Chandra Odom @brakco

    Just another day grabbing random children by the shoulders and screaming "I'M YOU FROM THE "FUTURE!" in their faces..

    • 893
    • LIKES
    KentWGrahamBull_HockeykimagewheelerLindaInDisguiseBwanaChrisRachele_RootB_poling82moxieblogger
    • 535
    • RETWEETS
    rayyyychLindaInDisguisetalkin_goat23RoraldAgharnJenny4ashleybrickshithousemfrostofankhflavoredfetish__
    bdbdleeroybrowneliserose5__HeyImKevinSullyMidgetsparKazlightyearzNatetheEnigma__
  • RachelLeeWest
      RACHEL LEE WEST. @RachelLeeWest

    If you rub anything long enough something gross will happen.

    • 416
    • LIKES
    theRratedBullMaui_SpeaksDillonGerouxcharmfozalexandra_lietopaperphotoyotelevictim22CourageDR
    • 190
    • RETWEETS
    karlgalindocharmfoztelevictim22KeegsaurevenformExScholarDONTJIMMYMEJULZmsbtx
    bdbdleeroybrown
  • PuddingBoobs
      Puddin Cuddle-Thug @PuddingBoobs

    I'm pretty excited about putting a whole bunch of effort into my next disappointment.

    • 188
    • LIKES
    TheMichaelRockdietredbullbourbonmelikeysagemoonstoneluckiexstarSaraliciouskimberlyfeismeNerdyAjet
    • 65
    • RETWEETS
    FunkSpunkbourbonmelikeySo_Not_Bothered_NoufAlDosarinoorrr_JustTashieAnitaHelmetHails1987
    bdbdleeroybrown
  • StephenBCramer__
      Wickedwordslinger @StephenBCramer__

    I would rather follow someone with 50 followers that is cool than someone that has thousands and is a douchebag.

    • 1,550
    • LIKES
    tigfinsswollenvoiceDarkTallBastardBscotchnsoda__livingmylife4uBirdhummsHormonellaclownfeet2222
    • 557
    • RETWEETS
    VladistirtigfinsswollenvoiceDarkTallBastardNGoidielivingmylife4uBirdhummsjessbox22
    bdbdleeroybrownAnyaLachae7Carter_TCBAprilsMist
  • mediocregee
      Make it so, Ensign @mediocregee

    Imagine that. I just checked the dictionary and sexy doesn't mean "just skinny".

    • 556
    • LIKES
    lexjmaddenLuvPug__SardonicTartShutUpThatsWhoawescarlemmywinklerscubaristarDWaitress
    • 332
    • RETWEETS
    margoforeheadbonitarailexjmaddenSugaBeeOfNCDWaitresscurvedbitchtiReynardSpaced_Cowboy00
    bdbdleeroybrowngmossii
  • comedyfish
      comedyfish @comedyfish

    Look. Just tell us if its fucking Maybelline or not. The suspense is killing me

    • 898
    • LIKES
    observing_shitthenotimerdadcliffefuddlemarkcaitsttootingrebecca__prisoner17389mediocregee
    • 698
    • RETWEETS
    nouralattiyahJadedPhilosophyKendo_Nagasaki_flabberdacksfuddlemarktootingrebecca__geniusindisgizeHails1987
    bdbdleeroybrownCherBear162SoapyJohnsonTeeter_Tottersameblacklist____jake_likes_napsDeanB15crayan9Sarcasmo718Ghetto_Trophy
  • penisteehee
      Chesty LaRue @penisteehee

    Twitter: I am a nymphomaniac, alcoholic who is down to fuck!

    Reality: 40 year old office worker. Occasional drinker. Married. Lonely.

    • 36
    • LIKES
    morespanx__GiantForeheadcigarintabirempelhippoanonymous__DaddyJewtkhan74iGreenMonk
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    wife3kidsnodogs__GiantForeheadcigarinFunnyTunestkhan74hightech_llama___oculusmundi______YourWorshipGabi
    bdbdleeroybrown
  • CrankyPappy
      CrankyPappy @CrankyPappy

    If you wish to see the person most likely to wreck your life, look in the mirror.

    • 36
    • LIKES
    LindaInDisguiseIdeal_VictoriageniusindisgizeBDGarpBlindVigilAngelinaC72eudaimoniumConfused_Poet
    • 27
    • RETWEETS
    Ideal_VictoriaHails1987lucy_nyholm123AngelinaC72tiffanylynnxoxoFrostieMossAnnkyOfficialGanderGin
    bdbdleeroybrown
  • Aspersioncast
      aspersioncast @Aspersioncast

    You can tell a vegan by their underwear, it's a little seedy.

    • 84
    • LIKES
    charm972GensPlaceladyjazsjunkKatarinaKrizpossibilyssgeniusindisgizeSolelyBGoldenSpirals
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    GensPlaceElephartStephenBCramer__SharpesEyeViewcharlzerobdbdleeroybrowncarzdruitoneh
    bdbdleeroybrown
  • chopper4jk
      Chopper @chopper4jk

    I don’t trust people with trust issues.

    • 400
    • LIKES
    bonnieclouserMrFunkyWafflesDiveInsideMindstheresawil2013Styl0kidCWimpfheimerkerrijerseyIndexologist
    • 235
    • RETWEETS
    bonnieclouserrashfranticparthshah16Moyrezende_zubin_jacobBradleaCIndexologystTlaxBoy05
    bdbdleeroybrownkathybotteas
  • chrisanna4real
      Chrisanna4real @chrisanna4real

    If he doesn't grab your hips and pretend to bone when you bend over for something, it's not love. Or he's mature and well...boring.

    • 3,336
    • LIKES
    royalpinefresh1sheefaaaaaWilliamDufour7SmartassChefEnchanted_Halo___itsmedonSwaggerStickCBGH70
    • 2,479
    • RETWEETS
    royalpinefresh1SweetCat1972__SmartassChefEnchanted_Halo___itsmedonViolent2Dope304devsmadden11FrasierSein
    bdbdleeroybrownfacciabellaA_SmartAssiamfasePgsdad____________jshires92________jumpdasharkShakenBabynotfaizzyMrsJekyllsHydechopper4jkEvilPandaXBillFienbergMoneypennyNakedCloeLola22pbear79tiffinyleeryanvajjiefbabythemorris23VikeeysSecretthetobbieTeeter_TotterPetPinkElephantLoveRebelRockthelumberboy______fastmofobansheeheidics__avandamandersIdilioASecasAlbertaChris
  • thetobbie
      TO33IE @thetobbie

    *gay guy hits on me*
    ME: I'm straight.
    GAY GUY: So is spaghetti, until it's hot & wet.
    If any man gets to have me, it's this dude...

    • 1,198
    • LIKES
    ojeanineshonspencer71Cyd10eBeardedNomad51BadaBingefc_rayferanmiosaksNaomiGlitter
    • 1,894
    • RETWEETS
    shonspencer71BeardedNomad51slpinwithghostsitsme007365Double_O420lovemydogduckBadaBingeJohnMotalane
    10tequilaShotsOfficeofSteveonume_bdbdleeroybrownVirgoSherryshanethevein

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