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It's such a buzz kill when your husband wants to watch us having sex....and doesn't jerk off.
I'm cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
"just get a job" is the modern day "let them eat cake"
Just another day grabbing random children by the shoulders and screaming "I'M YOU FROM THE "FUTURE!" in their faces..
If you rub anything long enough something gross will happen.
To catch a bus you have to think like a bus
I'm pretty excited about putting a whole bunch of effort into my next disappointment.
I would rather follow someone with 50 followers that is cool than someone that has thousands and is a douchebag.
Imagine that. I just checked the dictionary and sexy doesn't mean "just skinny".
Look. Just tell us if its fucking Maybelline or not. The suspense is killing me
Twitter: I am a nymphomaniac, alcoholic who is down to fuck!
Reality: 40 year old office worker. Occasional drinker. Married. Lonely.
If you wish to see the person most likely to wreck your life, look in the mirror.
You can tell a vegan by their underwear, it's a little seedy.
I don’t trust people with trust issues.
If he doesn't grab your hips and pretend to bone when you bend over for something, it's not love. Or he's mature and well...boring.
*gay guy hits on me*
ME: I'm straight.
GAY GUY: So is spaghetti, until it's hot & wet.
If any man gets to have me, it's this dude...
I hate you but I still need your money.
Someone write that love song.
The word "sycophant" should mean "sick elephant."
Just realised Jesus can’t speak English, no wonder I’m not a rich and famous movie/rockstar/business mogul, who knows Aramaic?
I think opinions are a lot like orgasms. Mine will always be more important and I don't give a flying fuck if you have one.