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Women like to hear things like, I love you and you're so pretty, while men like to hear things like, you're not the father or I swallow.
Could you imagine Goldilocks in a sex shop?
This ones too big, this ones too small, this one doesn’t have a rabbit…
Heard "Crying" by Roy Orbison. I hate when they start playing holiday songs this early.
When you Star me I do a private dance because for that one minute I know you Favored me...so feel free to Star away
One time, a Canadian girl told me that her favorite artist was Monet. I asked her who Moan was. Then we laughed and put gravy on everything.
after Im out of the shower and see fog on my mirror I pretend Im wolverine & slash 3 fingers across it. Its way better than a social life
Guy in the bathroom just said I had a small cock, I said ‘so you could take it then?, bend over big boy’.
I won.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
"You like souvlaki's? Well, how do you like 'dem souvlaki's?!" *smashes souvlaki against window... Wins girl*
- My Big Fat Will Hunting
Everything was going great. Then she said "for realsies". And I knew I would never make her a mixtape.
Remember, you are a child's lifeline to knowledge. So, don't ever say "I don't know", just fuckin' make something up.
Hey airlines, instead of me putting my phone on Airplane Mode, why don't you put your planes on Cell Phone Mode?
My signature move is not losing my shit every time you say something stupid.
You weren't there, so how dare you judge me because I told my 4 year old that her painting was "unimaginative & lacking substance".
What happens if you put a chameleon on a mirror? Do you produce an infinite amount of chameleons?
The problem with cunts making hoax tweets about missing persons is the fact that it diminishes the effectiveness of real tweets.
The baddest man in the whole damn town
