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It's not considered cheating if the other person is just a human shaped swarm of bees.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Say what you will, but my boss' dick tastes like a promotion.
Make a fucking difference, not a fucking hashtag.
Earn one of my middle fingers, and I'll toss in a second middle finger free of charge.
Cats just pretend to be indifferent. It's kind of their thing.
If my dog doesn't like you, neither do I. I trust his judgment.
Of course I wouldn't be a good girlfriend. I'm not even a good person.
Women hit sexual prime as they become less likely to get pregnant. It's natures way of saying, "Fuck all you want, you've earned it girl!"
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's not amore, that's Armageddon, dumb ass.
I do my best proofreading right after I hit send.
Inspirational tweet: Breathe in.
Expirational tweet: Breathe out.
I would be so fucked if i had to fight other alpha males for the chance to have sex like they do in the wilderness.
The person you have reached is currently busy searching for her block button. Hold please. Your business is important to us...
If me sleeping naked in my hammock bothers you so much, maybe you should just go to a different yard sale.
I guess I'm no thesaurus, but whatever the word is for "less than not giving a fuck," I'm totally THAT about your opinion.
Hope my kids keep my ashes somewhere odd when I die, like a coffee can in a shed. When idiots say I'm "in a better place," they'll smirk.
When you think about it, a BBQ in the park is a strange idea. It says, "Let's celebrate nature by cooking dead animals."
a word has meaning only between people
same with a life
Go home, Europe, you're drunk.
Baddest man in whole damn town
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