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Drunk tweeting is better than non drunk tweeting because there's no pressure to be funny, I've got a freckle on my pecker.
What kind of crazed sociopath would describe themselves as "a people person"??????
Don’t be a total sleaze on twitter by letting girls know you’d only “probably” sleep with them.
It’s scary to think Michael Jackson’s kids had more chance of a normal life when Michael Jackson was alive.
I hope my wife doesn’t get inspired by Angelina Jolie's preventative mastectomy. Her family has a history of skin cancer.
My brain is the Guantanamo Bay of unnecessary torture.
Despite writing over 25,000 tweets I am yet to write anything in a birthday card that I have liked even a little.
Sometimes reminiscing is just opening a wound you'd thought had completely healed.
Whenever I feel lost in life I look at my WWJJD bracelet (What Would Jesus Jones Do) and start singing Right Here Right Now.
How creepy would Mother’s day be at Sigmund Freud’s house?
Isn’t Monday the 13th a lot scarier than Friday the 13th?
I think I'd enjoy threesomes more if I had a second penis.