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Only God can judge me but he probably shouldn't when you look at all the shit he's done.
Shouldn't there be a lot more Chinese ghosts?
Requesting a read receipt with your email is a great way of letting people know you're a paranoid asshole.
The expression "There are no stupid ideas" should always be treated as a challenge.
I think I've finally worked out what Kristen Stewart's facial expression is. It's "if you don't know what's wrong I'm not going to tell you"
What's got 2 thumbs and doesn't understand this joke format?
That guy, probably...
My high school reunion is coming up and after all these years I can't help but wonder what's on tv that night.
What is Satan's favourite sexual position?
669 fellatio of the beast
Why was the plumber crying?
Shouldn't Star Wars be called Stars War? There's only one war and multiple stars in those movies.
I just saw a guy using a parasol to protect himself from the sun. I think I'd rather have the cancer.
Is anyone else getting a lot of dick pics on LinkedIn?
If you looked up pedantic in the dictionary you'd find the definition.
Time to shake the dust off this old Twitter account
“Life is what happens when you’re making other pans” - Pan Makers' Ennui
It's ok to feel like a fish out of water. It's the only way evolution ever happens.
Baddest man in whole damn town
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