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If only global conflicts ended as quickly as our interest in them does.
Discretion is the better part of valour, it’s also the better part of having an affair.
I think I’m getting all my news stories mixed up, did someone shoot someone’s legs off at the Oscars?
He died of a broken heart
…actually probably mostly cancer
But also a broken heart..
It’s hard not to read the phrase “Suggested Serving Size” without using a passive aggressive voice.
“Other Men - spoiling it for the rest of us”
- Slogan for the Men Marketing Board.
Make the first time you have sex with a new partner extra awkward by asking them to refer to your penis as Nelson Mandela.
Maybe Putin’s aggression and machismo could be channelled into a very good moustache instead of invading neighbouring countries.
There must be a lot of last minute Oscar acceptance speech rewrites happening at the moment to include a reference to the brave Ukrainians.
I can’t believe I finally have a chance to use all the tweets I wrote during the cold war.
We can all relax people, I think Putin has evidence the Ukraine have weapons of mass destruction.
Thank God all of this happened after the Sochi Winter Olympics so none of us have anything to feel guilty about.
If we want to keep the Russians out of the Ukraine maybe we should fill it with homosexuals.
Have we tried just sitting down and talking to Putin? He seems like a reasonable man and not at all like an eighties action film bad guy.