Just tried to put a cape on my hamster. She didn't like that idea. She prefers to be nude

You gotta love a guy that can pick you up and wrap your legs around him while fucking

Wow! Somebody on fb is devastated. What's even more surprising is that she's not gonna explain why. She just gonna leave that shit hanging

Hey automatic toilet, what's your hurry?

Just to prove that I do wear clothes...occasionally http://t.co/5GaJvfod

Dear chick on fb, there's a reason you have to take all those pics of yourself. Nobody else wants to see pics of you. So stop posting them!!

Hate when the two layers of toilet paper on two-ply don't roll out together

Im so stoned right now. Only thing good about my back injury is the drugs. If only the drugs actually helped my back.

Some of y'all take twitter way too serious. It's a social network, not a job! You don't get paid for followers and stars.

Grown man, I no longer care what college fraternity you belonged to.

This is perfect front porch sittin' weather....I need a front porch, though

At least my vibrator is waiting for me. I'm getting some action tonight!

Being desperate for sex and being desperate for attention are two totally different things. It's easy to get penises...

How do I get one of those jobs where I will be sexually harassed by a successful, horny boss?

OMG! I really don't care what your baby is doing in utero at 29 weeks. #fb

Don't people on undercover boss watch tv? How do they not know its the head of company

Beach bound!

I really want to kick you in the face

So disappointed in that storm. I love storms, I need a good one

No I will not send you a picture of my lady parts!
There are others on here that'll give you a free show, I respect myself too much for that