I’m at the urinal and there’s 4 pubes laying in a row on top of it.
Do I lay another one next to em?
Do I take one?
I don’t know the rules.

Just a heads up guys,
I stubbed my toe, and during my profanity fit may have accidentally summoned Beetlejuice, the Candy Man, and Oprah.

Grammar?! Yeah, I know my Grammar.

She's upstairs blowing Gramper.

The difference between my ex's face and a trampoline?

I'd take my shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

My pussy magnet was installed backwards.
:(

A buddy asked me what twitter is. It's a cell phone battery drainage experiment conducted by funny assholes.

Oh, you're a Wine Snob? Well I'm a drink whatever is in the fridge and show the neighbors my wiener Snob

You're all a bunch of attention whores.

please RT

This bottle of Jim Beam isn't gonna drink, moon some cops, see how fast my truck will go, kill a bum, and bury this hooker all by itself.

I ride public transportation once a month to keep my immune system strong.

Tried to kill myself by leaving a smart car running in the garage, I think it cleared my sinuses.

I'll bet people that are in abusive relationships are thankful that phones don't have long cords or antennas anymore

If you are a midget, live that shit up! Bite some people, grab some tittys, run around naked, do kartwheels in court. Don't waste it!

I'd probably just use my halo as a bottle opener anyway.

Note: Rental cars are hard to start when fully submerged in a pond.

Ya can't pee your pants if you're not wearing any.

Bros before Hoes?

You know Hoes have all the vaginas, right, Bro?

Mint Oreos taste like toothpaste cookies, and don't go well with rum

Gonna put some craigslist ads out for free stuff out in random peoples yards.

Clean this fuckin neighborhood up a bit

It's a bad day to be my underwear.