It really is sad that the only man I see in his undies all the time is my roomie. The least he could do is be hot or even semi attractive.

Sign you're dating a cop: when you start using words like: 'standby,' 'enroute,' and 'male' or 'female' in normal conversation.

Cat + laser pointer + alcohol = another good hour of fun.

There's 2 girls here in short glittery dresses. They've been drinking for hours. My bet: at close they'll be crying or one will be lost.

Another car just passed me while I was stopped to let people walk across the road in front of me. Apparently my consideration was annoying.

Wow. Lost a couple followers today. Heartbroken? Nope. Followers may come and go, but beer will always remain. That and bills. Stupid bills.

Getting off my lazy ass to go to Best Buy and buy Wii Active...hardest part is just getting off this damn couch.

Damn you Miley Cyrus and your damn catchy song about being a hick in a big town.

I wanna be that person that goes out onto the field during football games and squirts water into the players' mouths. I could do that.

Guy friends waited til the end of the night to inform me they could see up my skirt all night as I sat on stage. Dicks.

Bought a footlong sub on the way home from work. I lost it in my purse. #truestory

Was just told I was the ''man in this relationship'' bc I don't cook and do the dishes. I offered Sean a tampon.

To those who get a wiff of me tonight, sorry I smell like Old Spice. It's a long story.

Guy friend to me: ''Wow, your butt looks big tonight. Don't worry, big in a good way.'' <- True friend. True story.

Getting ready for work on one of the ''biggest bar nights of the year.'' I hope I make it out alive without killing anyone tonight. . .

Taco Bell run to get drink refills for my co-worker and myself. Really, it wasn't as glamorous as I'd hoped it would be.

Guy: 'My friend wants to meet you.' Me: 'I'm seeing someone.' G: 'He has 5 kids by 4 women.' M: 'Fuck off.'

I just saw a guy trip with a midget between his legs.

Note to self: Not the greatest idea to go walking into the bedroom, wearing just a towel, while the bf is video chatting with his dad.

Ladies. Although convenient, storing cash in your bra is disgusting. PLEASE do NOT hand me bills that have been under your sweaty boob.