Thanks to Twitter my fear that I'm not normal has been replaced by the fear that I am.

I have 1 Twitter account. I'm happily married and have a great sex life. I don't post pics of my boobs or ass. I am the 0.000001%.

Told coworker I've lost 15lbs. Their response "That's a good start." World record backhanded compliment award!

If the head of CIA can't even hide his own affair it's pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

I can't remember where I park my car when I go to the grocery store but I can remember lyrics to 80's rock songs I haven't heard in 25 yrs.

Crashing on my parents' couch tonight. I can hear them laughing in their room. If I hear anything else I'll have to kill myself.

Apparently my super power is the ability to visit 3 banks and a Taco Bell in 32 minutes.

If hating exercise burned as many calories as actually exercising I'd be a size 0.

Is that my car? Nope.

Is that my car? Nope.

If that my car? Nope.

Me, in any parking lot anywhere I've been for more than 5 minutes.

Laying on my couch in my pj's at 11am on a Saturday morning. Take that "you're missing out on all joys of parenthood" people.

I don't care if you have a typo in a tweet. Ever. Funny is funny. Plus, God knows its hard to type on these puny lil smartphone screens!

I was in Target for 20 minutes and saw at least 3 people whose genders I am unsure of. But they all had 5 o clock shadows. *shudders*

I'm still waiting for my flying car and robot maid. Weren't we supposed to have those by now?

Sign # 712 I'm getting old- my right knee is better at predicting rain than the national weather service.

I've been obsessing all day about whether or not my knees look old and if that's even possible in the first place. So yes, I was very busy.

Who lets their child leave the house looking like the employee of the month at a brothel???

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother's cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

I have zero recollection of driving to work today. Yet I'm here. Not sure if I should be proud or frightened.

I am thankful for all 204 of my followers today. Even the bots.

I don't understand Google Plus at all yet. So I've returned to the safety of Twitter and my favorite band of weirdos here :-)