Shout out to my yoga pants for helping me find my new boyfriend.

Is there an ugly, white, super chubbo, gal out there who ISN'T 'Super Submissive'?!

It's pretty neat how Zooey Deschanel got her own TV show despite the fact that she's just an owl with bangs.

Manual Retweets: look at my face while you're laughing at their joke.

Maybe the dingo ate your vajayjay.

Oh nothing, just putting a t-shirt on over my t-shirt. - Guys

The Kardashians are the Kennedys for a world that has given up.

Yo dudes with the boat shoes, save some pussy for the rest of us why don't you

If I offer you a bite of my food & you take longer than 2 seconds to respond, then you lose.

I'm the only person in this ER whose story begins with, "Well, I simply asked the stripper if she could cover up her C-section scar..."

Walk into theater..

"Two tickets for.. um..
What are we seeing again?"

*I do this every fucking time.

There's nothing worse than having an attractive bank teller when your account is in the negative.

You know the sex is well and truly gone from a marriage when a woman stops using terms of endearment and just calls her husband "Dad".

I'll just scroll down one of you assholes timeline and just fuck the shit out of it with stars..I don't give a fuuuuck..like a pervert ninja

George Washington never told a lie, except to get women to sleep with him.

The dragon tattoo wasn't that noticeable. Should have called it "The Girl With Really Short Bangs And No Eyebrows".

I bet Lewinsky did bring that blue dress to the dry cleaners and they were like, "Eww! No way!"

If all you do is tweet like a whore or asshole, don’t be so surprised when people think you’re a whore or asshole.

#ImTheTypeOfGirlfriend who is perfect in every way imaginable all the time because just look at me for fuck's sake plus I know how 2 prty

Photographers, Keyboard players, and Bounty Hunters named Dog, please button up the rest of your shirts.