I deleted the documentary about phantom limbs from the TiVo, but it feels like it's still there.

I keep boxes of Cadbury Creme Eggs in my freezer year-round and I don't care who knows it! Related: I'm single and no one loves me.

There are enough pubes on this urinal to build a cat.

Ugh, how do you boys sit on these things?

Boy, I really hope this honey mask rejuvenates my faOH GOD, POOH MAULING! POOH MAULING!

I was going to make a joke about hormones, but instead I killed my team of writers because they were annoying.

I'm eating M&M'S with a fork from a soup bowl. I am the pinnacle of evolution.

Today in medical school I learned how to give a breast exam, or in 14 year old boy speak, "Weee, I touched a boobie!!"

My thighs don't just touch now...they hug.

You know how most people drink socially? I've started drinking academically.

All the wrong people have high self esteem.

I knew he was the man of my dreams when, in the midst of expressing our carnal desire, he asked if I'd rather stop and go for ice cream.

Mergzzgmmm!!! One too many Red Bulls, I can see through time!

Spoiler alert: we all die.

This just in: my armpits smell like popcorn again.

Spring has sprung, flowers are in bloom, beavers are building their dams, and a lone medical student tries not to jump out of a window.

I think my tongue got into the depressors again. It's been moping around my mouth all day.

Stream is buffering...

Stream is buffering...

Stream is buffering...

And I'm peeing.

I'm learning about cholera. Let's just say the novel should have been titled, "Love in the Time of Explosive Diarrhea."

Him: I like your face, it's built right.

Me: Thank you, only the finest Legos were used.

What if the hokey pokey really IS what it's all about.

I have this enormous feeling inside me, welling up, like a gyser fit to explode.

Urine is a feeling, right?