Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

Maxipads should have a fortune on the plastic strip you peal off. Something insightful like “Your boyfriend will ignore you for a few days.”

Fox news said that Rush’s girlfriend called 911 after chest pains. Shouldn’t the real news story be that Rush Limbaugh has a girlfriend?

My 12yo son just suggested we put Ex-Lax in the cookies we leave out for Santa on Christmas Eve. I’m so proud I think I’m gonna’ cry…

I’m overweight, have a crew cut, play softball, like the Indigo Girls… my god, I’m 3 cats away from being a lesbian…

Wow… My first 50 star tweet. Ehem.. I’d like to thank my parents for providing me with the need to seek the love of strangers…

Wife: Why do I smell dog poop when I run the vacuum? Me: Why do you always come to me first with these kinds of questions??

Thanks to that bitch Gloria Estefan I’m still terrified of the “rhythm”…

I just got back from my first professional massage ever and I learned 2 things: 1.Take gas-x before massage. 2. Men can be named Stacy too.

Me to Wife: Friends? I have plenty of friends.. As a matter of fact, I have 252, crap, make that 249 friends right here on the Twitter..

12yo son beat up the 14yo neighbor kid. I scolded him in front of the neighbor kids parents, then took him out for pizza & gave him 50 bucks

The girl who won the McDonald’s 1 mil looks like she eats every meal there. In accounting terms, I think McDonald’s will break even on this.

I just yawned so loud a female wookie in heat showed up at my window….

I decided to run at light-speed on the treadmill for 30 minutes and it took FOREVER…

Wife: Our 10yo boy called the neighbor a jerk-off today, proud of yourself? Me: Our 7yo girl called me a lazy bum today, proud of YOURself?

God made me in his image? So, “his” curves to the left too??

The best thing about working from home is not having to buy a flask.

That’s the last time I ever mix beer and sleeping pills and the dog’s pain pills and that red pill I found on the sidewalk....

Something tells me that Prancer works as an interior decorator during the summer months…

My older brother left his jacket on my couch and the dog is sleeping on it. I’m thinking of sticking its paw in warm water….