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Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.
You know what's sexy? Literacy. It makes me want to fuck you there, their and they're.
Guys...it's a clitoris, not a Whac-A-Mole machine.
I need to start working on my personality. I can't end up single. I don't even like cats.
My dad never bought me a pony. Now I want to ride every old man that smiles at me. Surely the pony would have been cheaper than therapy.
Guys don't call a girl beautiful unless she truly is. You're creating a lot of unnecessary cocky women.
Dear future husband, if we get into an argument, I will sit on you and masturbate until you give in. I’m manipulative. And life isn't fair.
Whenever I see a really nice guy with a really bitchy girl, I think "I hope he cums in her eye tonight"
When a girl tells you "you have nothing to worry about". YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER DONE. EVER.
Men are either like wine or cheese. They either age really well, or start developing a weird smell.
Within the first 5 mins of interaction with a guy I decide how long I'm going to lead him on & what shade of blue I want his balls to turn
I spent $1700 lasering my lady parts, making it completely hairless. I wish I had my future husband's address so I could bill him for this.
Ladies, if you don't lick your fingers after you masturbate, you'll never fully understand the power we have over men. We are delicious.
Does anyone want to lick and suck my lady parts?
Now that I have your attention, is anyone in the legal field? I need advice.
Pro tip: if a girl only sends you horizontal nude pics, she's trying to hide giggly stomach fat. Or saggy boobs. Or a cock.
Procrasturbation: to masturbate and put off something that should be done.
You know why girls never get caught? Because we think of an alibi before we get drunk, not the next morning when we have a hangover.
I don't have daddy issues, my dad loves me lots. But when he forgets to pay my visa bill, I'm more vulnerable to give into your advances
What if all the boys were already headed to the yard, and my milkshakes had nothing to do with it?
How to manipulate someone:
1. maintain eye contact
2. use a steady and firm tone when speaking
3. be attractive
I was either hugged too much as a child, or not enough. So now I have issues.