Look! A Facebook notification! Just kidding it's direct eye contact with your daughter.

I wasted so much time in high school trying to like radiohead when I could have been learning how to use my butt for sex.

All men look gay when they're in a hurry.

A web series about my life. The twist? I live in new york.

Feeling neve-campbell-collar-bone fragile.

RT if ur Beth from Little Women but ur gonna STICK IT THE FUCK OUT.

would it be terribly GAUCHE of me to have another hot pocket?

Injured during trust fall

Cant wait for the day I introduce my child to my web presence.

RT if you're gay but you once told your entire 6th grade class you had a crush on Toni Collette.

MY FRIENDS AND I ARE GOING OUT IM WEARING A MESSY BUN WE'RE ALL GETTING BOYFRIENDS

It's been a year since I shit in my pants on canal street. Love y'all.

"In the dream I was both Shari Lewis AND Lambchop." --- gay people in therapy

Got to jury duty and they surprised me with slideshow of all these pictures from my childhood literally everyone was crying so blessed!

My son just looked up from his Mandarin homework and asked if we could finger paint. I chortled and reminded him I was wearing a gown.

two white folks next to me talking about rewards + challenges of teaching in bronx. RT IF UR MICHELLE PFEIFFER.

Please help fund my web series about me having a messy bun

While Miranda was in Central Park getting shit on by a bird, Samantha was having sex with someone.

Just went to urban outfitters and bought the 80's.

"I actually remember it being so cold that day." - audio commentary