I am still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.

It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your son's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.

Twitter. Where people you don't know are better friends than your real friends.

The Neverending Story should've just been called Laundry.

I don't know why people always make such a fuss about how much a newborn weighs. It's a baby, not a stash of cocaine.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

My husband said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect. :)

Who knew in 1987 when Steven Tyler wrote "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)" that it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy?

"Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo "

I'd much rather have a sex tape released to the public than a video of me trying to run in flip flops

Would it kill a Somali pirate to just once put a parrot on his shoulder?

Why are these Facebook status updates so much more interesting than usual? Oh. this isn't Facebook - it's tampon instructions. My bad.

If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say “in jesus name amen”

Just found this under my 9yr olds bed: Dear Santa, let me explain…

Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more sexy men. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.

When my husband and I fight, he tightens the top to every jar and bottle in the house and says "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"

When someone rings my doorbell, why do my dogs always assume it’s for them?

My neice asked me today when her boobs would come in. I told her with her genes it'll be when she has $5000.

"You cant laugh away diarrhea."-my 4 yr old on being told laughter is the best medicine.

I'm never sure what to do with my eyes when I'm at the dentist. close them? stare at his face? look at the ceiling? squint like I'm Asian?