Parents, if your child admits to you that they're gay & you disown them because of your christian beliefs, you don't deserve kids. Fuck you.

I'm pretty sure the only thing my gf & I have in common is the fact that neither of us like to suck cock.

I'd rather check facebook than face my checkbook.

I'm thinking of getting a penis tattooed on my penis, only bigger.

So do white guys call it "Ask" body spray?

If you're behind someone at an ATM, let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.

I never knew I was well hung until I went to check my blood pressure at Walgreens. Apparently your arm goes in the cuff, according to cops.

I'm watching amateur porn.....through a high powered telescope.

If you listen to Slayer while masturbating you can start a fire.

Waiting in line at Walmart w/ me was a guy wearing an eye patch. He says, "Pretty day, huh?" Me: "You haven't seen the half of it." Fuck me.

I wrap my garbage bags in duct tape & wear surgical gloves covered in ketchup when taking out the trash just to fuck with my neighbors.

I accidentally sexted my sister. Great, like Thanksgiving's not already weird enough.

If these walls could talk I'd fuckin' move out immediately.

If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes.

I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks. Can they not hear the music??

Just signed up for a 401K, I'm thinking I'll die before the race is over.

From the looks of my fingers, I either ate Cheetos or fingerbanged Snooki last night.

Whenever I walk into a convenience store & don't immediately see a cashier I think, "Oh fuck, am I gonna be the 1st one to find the body?!"

I'm not at all racist, unless I get picked for jury duty.

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That's like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.