If you love something, let it go, and if it comes back to you, then you know it's desperate and you totally have the upper hand.

All right, people with five-toed sneakers. We've had a good laugh. Now you're just upsetting people.

Karate was invented because if you're gonna try to pull off a yellow belt with white pants, you're gonna need to know how to kick some ass.

A kiss on the forehead can create a tender and unexpected moment, especially when given to the hostess at outback steakhouse.

A recent poll (I imagined) found that the majority of Americans would vote today if it meant we could all stop talking about the election.

No one cares less than a grown man wearing earmuffs.

It'd be cool if the braille word for "whisper" had smaller bumps than all the others.

Dudes and manboys, I'll let you in on a little secret: There's no such thing as dress sneakers.

Sometimes I get sad when I think about how history will probably mark us as the generation it became OK for men to wear backpacks to work.

Oh, you know, just sitting around wondering what the sign language sign for "jazz hands" would be.

The trick to keeping someone happy is finding someone who was happy to begin with.

I’m not saying I’m bad under pressure, but a woman just asked me how old I thought she was, and I fainted.

Wanted: Someone to follow me around saying, "No, you don't need that. Put that down now."

Not sure why some people think a baby can help save their marriage. Babies don't know shit about marriage. (They can't even talk.)

I like to give Ikea gift cards as a wedding present, because it's important to test the strength of the marriage early on.

Oh, you know, just sitting around, wondering why the phrase "It goes without saying…" even exists.

I'm not sure I'll ever get over the emotional struggle that occurs when after having washed all the dishes, I have to use a dish.

Whenever I catch a girl looking at my wedding ring, I like to say, "Um, my eyes are up here."

Yes, cashier lady, I'm gonna laugh every time you say, "I'll take you right here."

No one will ever be as persuasive as the guy who first convinced a bunch of badass soldiers that the name "green berets" sounded tough.