I'm going to name a son Chivalry, just so that when he dies, his obituary has the best headline of all time.

Not a fan of girls my age calling me honey as if they're wise black women

When @neilstrauss dies, his tombstone should read, "Game Over."

"♫ I got Clive on it ♫" - Clive Owen's agent every time he gets a movie.

I play Obama in the newest Video from @juicerapnews: The Final Debate. Check it out.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpMPu5p_QXU …

Lance Armstrong just admitted to doping. In other breaking news, a guy at the mall just admitted to not really being Santa.

Cool if I roll through w/ my dick out? RT @abercrombie The Hottest A&F Guys are heading to stores on #BlackFriday! pic.twitter.com/uaGeGRIN

People say, "I hate fake people." Do you also hate people being nice to you? You don't hate fake people. You just hate bad acting.

My parents routinely get into loud yelling arguments with close friends in public restaurants over who gets to pay the bill #habeshaproblems

The only difference between crazy and sane people is that crazy people say what they're thinking out loud.

I hate how IPhones tag all emails, "Sent From my IPhone, cause it sounds like I'm bragging. I change it to, "Sent from my Sega Genesis."

I want to make a movie called "Pay it Backward." It'd be about a bitter 30 year old Haley Joel Osment being a dick to everyone.

I turn my swag off at night to save energy

I think more girls should be using the pat hug. It immediately let's me know where we're at, and I appreciate that.

When there's a funeral, wedding, or graduation, Ethiopian people turn culdesacs into parking lots #habeshaproblems http://twitpic.com/5b26p6

I select @magicofrahat for a Shorty Award in #youtubestar because several McDonald's employees now believe in ghosts. shortyawards.com/?category=yout…

When rappers become poor, the NAACP makes them take the $ sign out of their names. One day, there may be an ASAP Ro¢ky and a Curren¢y.

Having sex with someone you don't care about is like masturbating with a vagina.

Ok, no more Mr. NiceGuy!
*goes to court*
*gets last name changed*
*takes several months*

There aren't many things worse than someone watching you watch their video on YouTube.