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Shit, made a face when I saw a man's deformed hand on an elevator; had to keep my face contorted so every1 would think thats my normal look
I invented putting funny captions on cat photos YEARS ago! Except I used photos of my ex-girlfriend instead of cats. And called it lolcunts.
What's that, Angry Birds? You want me to kill my parents?
"Here's some molten chapstick, dumbass!" My dryer, every week
Was really excited about this trailer for a new horror movie until I realized it was just a tampon commercial.
I'm part Mexican but I haven't told many people about this. I guess I'm just afraid to come out of the janitor's closet.
You ever get so drunk that you begin to speak in cursive?
"Live with me if you want to come" -Arnold to household staffer
Anyone know a good four letter word for "snatch?"
Twitter thinks adding friends from my address book will "make twitter better." As if I care what dozens of pizza places are up to right now.
According to my browser history, I recently was curious if lions bury their poop like housecats. Google search history will betray me 1 day.
Credit card machines always say "approved" after payment. Glad to know my bank approves of my purchase of a KitKats and personal lubricant.
Feminism is sooo adorable.
"Want to find out what the poor people from your neighborhood were up to last night? Tune in tonight at 8." -the local news
Hey, fellow men, I've got a tip for you: Clear your search history before giving a presentation in front of 100 people. You'll thank me.
I hate when my chemistry jokes end with no reaction.
Imagine my coworkers' horror after I walked into work with a milk mustache from breakfast after a coworker had just left to nurse her baby..
"Will eat cans for food." -homeless goat
I would say that Jews are incapable of conveying true meaning irregardless of word choice, but I'm just being antisemantic.
The hardest part of going fishing is probably keeping it reel.
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