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I would take the Dalai Lama more seriously if his avi was him taking a picture of himself in the mirror with his iPhone.
There's only two things I hate in this world:
1. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures
I once put a chunk of butter in my mouth thinking it was cheese.
People were watching.
I ate the lot.
The Twitter homepage would be better if it bore the following warning:
"Abandon hope, all ye who enter here"
If my family could see my Twitter account, they would tell me what I've known all along:
"Yes, you were adopted"
Boss comes in to talk to me.
Sits on box.
Box breaks under his weight.
He ends up sprawled on the floor.
If a tree falls in the forest while no one is around, do all the other trees piss themselves laughing? #ponderthis
They say piracy is killing the music industry.
But I guess it can't be easy playing the guitar with a hook!
Every time I see someone I went to school with riding their bike, I immediately think 'driving conviction'.
<In an attempt to make yourself look smarter, tweet an inspirational quote written by someone else here>
- <Insert celebrity name>
When the guy who was inventing the drawing board made a mistake, where did he go?
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss has a car and always catches me and brings me back.
I was going to shave this morning but then I remembered that I have to wear clothes to work so there wasn't any point.
Sometimes I star a tweet because it's funny. Sometimes because it's clever.
Sometimes because I just feel sorry for you.
Friend: "Have you ever been abroad?"
Me: "No, but I may consider having the op one day"
I would like America to know that unlike BP, 99.9% of Brits don't suffer from blowouts or spills.
But 70% do have bad teeth.
Overheard a Doctor tell a woman she'd 'get it over the counter'.
Bloody exhibitionists! Keep it in the bedroom!
I'm worried I don't blink anywhere near as much as I should.
I can smell smoke.
There's no smoke without fire.
So whoever is currently offending my nostrils, please drop and roll.
The following statement is true:
The previous statement is false.
Available in all good book stores. Search for 'My Life'. It'll be in the comedy section.