I would take the Dalai Lama more seriously if his avi was him taking a picture of himself in the mirror with his iPhone.

There's only two things I hate in this world:

1. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures
2. Germans

I once put a chunk of butter in my mouth thinking it was cheese.

People were watching.

I ate the lot.

Hero.

The Twitter homepage would be better if it bore the following warning:

"Abandon hope, all ye who enter here"

If my family could see my Twitter account, they would tell me what I've known all along:

"Yes, you were adopted"

Boss comes in to talk to me.
Sits on box.
Box breaks under his weight.
He ends up sprawled on the floor.
Best.
Day.
Ever.

If a tree falls in the forest while no one is around, do all the other trees piss themselves laughing? #ponderthis

They say piracy is killing the music industry.

But I guess it can't be easy playing the guitar with a hook!

Every time I see someone I went to school with riding their bike, I immediately think 'driving conviction'.

<In an attempt to make yourself look smarter, tweet an inspirational quote written by someone else here>

- <Insert celebrity name>

When the guy who was inventing the drawing board made a mistake, where did he go?

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss has a car and always catches me and brings me back.

I was going to shave this morning but then I remembered that I have to wear clothes to work so there wasn't any point.

Sometimes I star a tweet because it's funny. Sometimes because it's clever.

Sometimes because I just feel sorry for you.

Friend: "Have you ever been abroad?"

Me: "No, but I may consider having the op one day"

I would like America to know that unlike BP, 99.9% of Brits don't suffer from blowouts or spills.

But 70% do have bad teeth.

Overheard a Doctor tell a woman she'd 'get it over the counter'.

Bloody exhibitionists! Keep it in the bedroom!

I'm worried I don't blink anywhere near as much as I should.

I can smell smoke.

There's no smoke without fire.

So whoever is currently offending my nostrils, please drop and roll.

The following statement is true:

The previous statement is false.