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Dear universe, I got hired to write for the most fun show on television, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon!
We are living in the future! I just used my iPhone to turn my lamp off by throwing it very hard at the bulb and shattering glass everywhere.
Dear fellow UCB nerds, today I heard @vaov tell a nurse that the injuries on her right knee were "de-heightened" compared to the left.
Talked to @vaov on the ER phone. She sounded calmer and her mom was with her. What they've checked so far has come out good. <3
That phrase about it being darkest just before the dawn is literally wrong and also metaphorically wrong. Things for you will only get worse
I'm the Elvis of being able to tell when an extra in a TV show is about to have a line of dialogue.
On a scale of one to a hundred, this banana tastes exactly like every other banana I've ever had.
Did you ever notice how hot dogs come in packs of ten, but we all eventually die?
Last night on @latenightjimmy audience members played a funny new game @gabutch came up with: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqSnZYWIxww …
Friends, @vaov was just in a motorcycle accident while visiting family in Austin TX. She should be ok but please pray for her + her uncle.
Hey guys, Colin Quinn mentions @creekandcave on @latenightjimmy tonight. Little surreal.
Yoda just unwrapped a Ricola and started sucking on it while he's talking about the Force. #livetweetingempirestrikesback
I can't believe a subway ride costs $7 now. At least my guy gives me a dollar discount, though. I bet most people's MTA card guys don't.
I'm done with my "Questions & Answers" web series. Only Jerry Seinfeld was submitting questions. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Afv4eP3T1OA …
We would like to invite our First Class Diamond Star Good Seat Big Time Smart Dog Fat Man members, and any soldiers, to board at this time.
Star Wars VII will be the first Star Wars movie where the number in the title matches the order in which it came out.
Writer for @LateNightJimmy. About six feet tall.
Stats can't be shown as @benjaminapple has never signed in to Favstar.
