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Dear universe, I got hired to write for the most fun show on television, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon!
We are living in the future! I just used my iPhone to turn my lamp off by throwing it very hard at the bulb and shattering glass everywhere.
That phrase about it being darkest just before the dawn is literally wrong and also metaphorically wrong. Things for you will only get worse
I'm the Elvis of being able to tell when an extra in a TV show is about to have a line of dialogue.
On a scale of one to a hundred, this banana tastes exactly like every other banana I've ever had.
Did you ever notice how hot dogs come in packs of ten, but we all eventually die?
Why don't they just kill Oscar the grouch?
I can't believe a subway ride costs $7 now. At least my guy gives me a dollar discount, though. I bet most people's MTA card guys don't.
Six-foot-tall white male comedy writer. Formerly of @LateNightJimmy and @TheOnion.