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If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. I should be fine.
Let's be websites for Halloween. I'll be Google with 99.9% "uptime" and you can be Twitter and go down on me.
I just posted "How do I find answers using Google.com?" on Yahoo Answers. Stand by while the internet divides itself by zero.
I love how they put "Please don't litter" on the top of the Pabst can in tiny lettering. Psh, like I can read that at 3am driving at 90 mph.
I'M JUST GOING TO FAV EVERYTHING YOU SAY EVEN IF IT'S NOT FUNNY CAUSE YOU'RE A HOT CHICK FROM THE INTERNET AND I WANT TO MAKE FUCK WITH YOU.
I'm like a cupcake, I'll go straight to your ass, girl.
You might be the sharpest tool in the workshop, but you're still a tool.
I genuinely have a really difficult time distinguishing between people with actual mental disabilities and people with southern accents.
Boobs: Once you've seen one pair, they're all still pretty awesome.
Unfollowing people is hard. To make it easier, I like to whisper "fag" before I click the remove button.
Favstar isn't down. Your jokes just suck.
It's obvious that Ed Hardy is gay. No straight man would decide he would rather design clothing than solve mysteries with his brothers.
I love my fucking job, but not as much as my job loves fucking me.
Thinking about your current girlfriend while jerking off is like going to the dealership to test drive a car you already own.
Making a big deal out of being an athiest is just as bad as someone shoving their religion on you.
My girlfriend said she wants me to be more aggressive in the bedroom, so I invited Chris Brown, Ike Turner and a rabid badger to join us.
I can't wait till Rick Astley dies so I can hear 9,386,284 jokes about how he gave us up and let us down.
Glitter is probably the hardest STD to get rid of.
Dreamcatchers work. If you're trying to catch gay.
Just a taco. In space.
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