#Skint is avin to feed ur kids cockroaches frem under the sink & telling um they are on I'm a celeb & @antanddec are int back yard watchin

Ad a dream I wer doggin in Lidl carpark wi Michael Jackson in his Fiat panda. Evry1 thort i wer Jlo coz shes mi arse twin & I ad a mask on 🐷

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

Juninho's been anonymous today

Should have know something wasn't right when Kevin Webster & Ken Barlow were arranging that under 16's foam party in the Rovers.

On the plus side I've gained 4 followers today.....Bit worried that one is "Big Barry from B Wing"

Don't think of today as another day wasted, think of it as another day closer to Police Academy 8.

Anyone been watching 'E20' the spin-off to Eastenders? Exhilarating to finally see Beppe and Gianni with their own platform

Just ad a fite wi 6 smack heads over a bockul of VK blue wat sum1 ad left owtside the bookies. I wer like humer therman on kill bill.

Just ran straight through the keeper with Ryan Goggs on ISS Pro.Now doing five minutes of keepie-uppies on the edge of the area to celebrate

I luv biters tbh babes @luis16suarez. U cud munch on mi fanny all day. DM mi fer nudes xx

Lot of people saying the Hommy Tilfiger t-shirt I'm wearing is fake. Don't think so guys. Got it along with this Emporio Armani turtle-neck

Platform 9¾ at Kings Cross is closed due to overrunning imagineering works.

The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him Gamblor! (@trevorcassidy) pic.twitter.com/HNHssCHHzN

My Ceefax horoscope says 'be wary of any offers that seem too good to be true' hm. Gonna give Chris back his France '98 bird mascot keyring

I made her watch my sweet cornering skills on the PC version of TOCA Touring Cars. Once again, I don't think she fully appreciated my talent

No ..no no no it's ...........

How can Matt Groening do this to me??? I can't wait another week to find out who shot Mr Burns!!

playing Paperboy on the Game Gear. Someone should tell my neighbours to get stronger windows, I've broken like fourteen on my first route

They held hands, kissed tenderly and walked off into the sunset. Sadly, they burned horribly on arrival.