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Czechoslovakia before you Wreckoslovakia
Did we ever stop and ask daylight if it even *wanted* to be saved??
Send me your home address and I'll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
"You can find me in the Club" - Bacon to Tomato.
I'm an environmentalist so I cut my six-pack rings before I heave them into the sea.
Teach a parrot to say: "Help I'm a human being in the body of a bird, imprisoned by a dark wizard."
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
Instruct your blind date to meet you at the beach then emerge from beneath the sea on horseback.
I refuse to play your pretentious little game, Starbucks. I'll have a black coffee in the big cup.
Threaten someone that they'll be sleeping with the fishes tonight then surprise them with a slumber party at the city aquarium.
Visualize your timeline as a trek down a barren post-apocalyptic road where each passing stranger leaps out and mutters an insane comment.
Crime Tip: Stab your foe with a living baby narwhal then release the murder weapon back into the wild.
So, I swallowed my pride; I ate all the lions.
My resume is just a 0:45 clip of me rubbing my belly and patting my head.
I want to play truth or dare with a manatee but end up hugging so much.
Legally changing my name to include the smiley emoticon with sunglasses.
A wasp landed on my window just to fix his hairdo in the reflection and ask me if he's looking pretty fly today. He is.
What happens when you pay for a 75 cent item with a dollar? You get a quarterback. Hi, I'm Joe Montana and I'm here to talk about change.
SEVEN-BILLION-PERSON GROUP HUG
*blows entire paycheck on night vision goggles to watch skunks doin it in the park*