Wait. Sex can be had when SOBER?? Jesus. This changes everything. Does everything still go in the same place? Last part is for a friend.

By now, the gin should know enough to come out of the store when I honk.

In my day, we did our sexting on an Etch-a-Sketch. See these stairs I drew for you, baby? They lead to my bedroom. Uh huh. Yeahhh.

I've lost my will for my coworkers to live.

People who think Twitter is stupid never woke up to sad news about the people in their computer and cried.

I like my men like I like my library books. Big, thick, good in bed, free, and not my responsibility.

My neck feels a little better, and I can eat & drink again, Facebook.

I can swallow again, Twitter.

Some day my prince will come. Just kidding! Of course my prince will come. Prematurely, I would imagine.

I wish the little kids who made this t-shirt could see how awesome my boobs look.

Does this buzzing sound make my boyfriend sound battery-operated?

It's unfair of me to expect you to say interesting things in order to follow you. I followed a man to the altar on less expectations.

Off to work. Work never fucks me the way I like it. Pull my hair, you lameass copy machine.

It's like no one in this meeting has heard an orgasm before.

Your words always touch me. I just wish they'd go deeper and add another finger.

Three of my relatives are expecting. Seriously, am I the only family member who knows how to swallow babies?

Wait. You have tonic and a penis? That's such a coincidence! I just happen to have gin, and a mouth.

I buy the Halloween candy with the pre-inserted razor blades because honestly, who has the time?

Sometimes when I'm away, I wonder if the gin is dreaming of me, too.

Mama didn't raise no whore. And now here I am at my boring job. Great. Thanks a lot, Mom.

I want you to slide my panties off.

Because they're not yours to wear.