This apple doesn't taste enough like a deep fried cheeseburger

The ability I have to do absolutely nothing at all for 3 days in a row astounds even me

if you don't crave an entire small pizza to yourself for dessert then you're not doing it right

I firmly believe you can judge a girl's level of crazy by the state of her eyebrows

I really need to add "ruining the innocence of children" to the skills section on my resume

but honestly how hard is it to incorporate booze into a burrito

I think cereal was purposefully created as an appetizer cause I tell you what fuck bacon and its 15 min cooking time

Ppl walking by keep giving these ridiculous stares, like they never have one-man dance parties in their car while sobbing uncontrollably -_-

have you guys ever noticed that a brownie sounds bad none of the time

Every morning is like a game - how many times can I press the snooze button before the sound of my alarm makes me throw my phone. Record, 2

All today reminds me of is that one time I sang When I Look At You to a platter of nachos

I talked to my ex, lost my car keys, and fell face first down a flight of concrete stairs. I named last night, Tequila Silver Strikes Back.

I make a loaf of banana bread, and then my boyfriend eats it all. and then falls asleep. This is some bullshit.

You'd think that with the amount of hours I'm awake at night I'd do more productive things than have a staring contest with my phone

Drinking game - take a drink every time a bacon cheeseburger sounds good

This is America, sitting in my car alone with a beer reading twitter for an hour should not be looked down upon.

I type so loud on my laptop, I feel like a twitter monster.. RAWR EVERYONE IN MY APARTMENT BUILDING WAKE AND HEAR MY EXCESSIVE TWEETING

On the dim sum diet. Side effects include soy sauce addiction and body shrinking with age

Hell is being locked inside a Super Walmart where every day is Valentine's Day and Hilary Duff's Metamorphosis album plays on repeat.

I have a goal of being the first person ever to stare at a pile of dirty laundry long enough where I actually get them to wash themselves.