If you don't discipline your child, life will.

There are two types of people, neither of which I like.

Leaking followers again. They'll be sorry after they learn I built an ark.

They watched in horror as the lion swallowed his pride.

My dog really needs to get his shit together so I don't have to scour the yard looking for it.

There's more to life than Twitter, but not much more.

Just read that original Beatles drummer Pete Best had a street named for him. Wow, that almost makes up for it.

Assholes follow you everywhere. Think about it.

She's dressing me with her eyes.

I built a girlfriend out of Legos.

I never carry a grudge. We walk side-by-side until we get revenge.

Giving me an unlimited data plan was their first mistake

Silly people at the gym think I'm keeping track of my exercise routine but I'm really scribbling down tweets.

That awkward feeling when it IS rocket science.

Should be in bed but nothing ever happens there.

Whenever I let anyone else call the shots I end up with a bullet in my forehead.

A clown's bulbous red nose is the doorknob to Hell.

When someone has recorded you as evidence, playback is a bitch.

If you wanna fuck with my mind be aware that you won't have much to work with.

Actually I wear black all of the time because it matches my soul.