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Telling the ladies I have over 100 followers on twitter is a sure way to get me laid 3% of the time.
I can't wait until Glenn Beck comes on so I can find out who was really behind this tsunami.
Ladies - I just started a band with my Google guitar. Let me know if you want to have sex...
Dr. Ted gave me a ball cancer check up at our appointment today for free! I didn't even know they taught you that stuff in dental school!
I find it strange that the friendly grizzly bear who lives in my closet only comes out for conversation when I'm stoned.
Was super surprised to make it another day without a billionaire calling to offer me all his money.
Whatever prude. I am sure there are plenty of other girls that would find "wine and rohypnol at my place" a romantic first date.
I refuse to leave my house again until someone invents a vending machine that dispenses vicodin.
I heard what sounded like 2 wolverines butt-raping a chipmunk at work today, before I realized some asshole put the new lady gaga cd on.
I just hung up on that skank who called me up crying, saying she gave me a virus. Ha! My computer wasn't even working that night liar!!
Santa Barbara is the girl I love and know I will eventually marry. LA is the slut I want to play with while I am still young.
Hey iphone - stop bragging "there's an app for that" until you make one that locates a drug dealer.
The cool thing about having a sexual predator as a neighbor is that it keeps the kids away, and the women that move-in are probably sluts.
The only time I use facebook anymore is when I can update my status as "I just shot a fat load all over her face" and tag the girl.
Fucking squirrels are living the dream. I wish I could sit in the trees all day and play with my nuts.
i'm that naked guy with a boner from chatroulette
