Nothing says she's a whore better than the sign I put in her yard.

Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir?

Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?

A naked pile of women?!

I better get to the bottom of this.

Waitress: Tossed salad sir?

Me: Only if you've just showered.

Side note: I'm banned from Olive Garden now.

The best ear muffs are thighs.

Behind every beautiful woman is a man staring at her ass begging God for a chance to just stick the tip in for a bit.

God, I will never forget the first time a midget went up on me. Freaking incredible!

Mimes are just clowns that took a vow of silence. However, they are equally as dangerous.

I like putting things into perspective. And by perspective I mean vaginas.

This girl grabbed my ass today, so I told her politely, ”You have five minutes to get your hand off my ass.”

I've thrown out enough stars that I should be considered a ninja.

You guys are the coolest people I've never met.

I'm not a stalker. I just care a lot and follow very closely.

Went to my neighbors house for dinner but had to leave unexpectedly because they came home.

You just broke the first rule of shut the fuck up club!

Naming my dog Fire probably wasn't the best idea considering he runs away a lot. Looking for him has caused some serious problems.

Guys with small cocks are just not that in to you.

And for my next trick I'm going to pull my dick out of this rabbit.

I felt hopeless and all alone until you come along. Now I just feel hopeless.

The worst part of anal sex is the begging.