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OMG you guys my boss just did the cutest thing!
Kidding. She's still an annoying cunt.
Some days I wish you guys all sucked ass and real life rocked.
Reality is a bitch today.
Husband: You're home! Let's have sex.
Me: I didn't wash my hair today…I feel gross.
H: I'm not gonna fuck your hair.
Me. Oh right.
I don't think the news needed to specify that the mom that took her 5 y.o. to the tanning salon is from NJ. We all knew that intuitively.
I miss my "knocked up" cleavage.
Apparently I am driving behind "gods girl".
What an arrogant twat.
I'm about to pop my 10-star cherry!
You're not impressed? You must not realize how lame I really am. Now you know…
This was one of those dumps when I wish I had weighed myself before it b/c I am sure I just lost about 5 lbs.
Just got a BCH (boob-crushing hug) from a male coworker. Guess we'll add this shirt to the "good boob shirt" side of the closet.
Do I really have to go to a "graduation" party for someone that just finished her 2nd online degree?
At least no gift for this shit, right
Starting to see similarities between Scooby-Doo and Criminal Minds with the random assumptions they make to solve a case.
Sick of being pregnant. Fuck this...fuck it right up the ass. Of course if we had done that we could have avoided this whole pregnancy.
So you guys get DMs w/ dirty stuff? I just got one about religion. I don't think I'm doing this right.
Husband rigged sink to squirt me when I turned water on. He forgot & squirted himself. No more pranks allowed in the house. Best day EVER!
Sexual assault awareness trainer keeps talking about her PASSION for this work. I feel like she's sending mixed signals.
Really, when your friend yanks a pad outta her purse for your kid to draw on at a restaurant and no one cares…you have great friends!
Husband to new neighbor: We're quiet and keep to ourselves.
Translation: Don't ever talk to me after today. I've forgotten your name already
I don't care what anyone says…it's hard to poop with a toddler sitting in your lap.
Husband & I held hands and kissed when the stupid young couple passed us that was doing that for real. Hope they knew we were mocking them.
Everyone in office just lost their collective shit b/c of a rainbow outside. You'd think it was a unicorn the way they are going on.