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I need to big my vocabulary.
I solved Clue, it was my roommate Steve with hurtful words in the kitchen.
In high school I was voted "Who?"
You women have no idea how awful it feels when someone only has sex with you for your personality.
Here's an interesting statistic: the Boston Red Sox are terrible.
Always high five a girl after making out with her.
It’s probably bad luck to run over a child on the way to church so I guess I’ll just go home.
No idea what I did at red lights before smartphones and Twitter.
I've yet to see a dog eat another dog. What kind of a world is this?
When I'm eating and someone tells me how unhealthy my meal is I vomit in their face and yell "WOW CLOSE CALL!"
At this point if I ever get a hand written letter in the mail I'll assume its a death threat.
I heard rock bottom is nice this time of year.
Hangover tip: destroy the sun.
My suburban high school was really diverse. There was a kid in a wheelchair and everything.
I'm not sure if 'Americas got Talent' but I'm pretty sure America has gay people.
Springtime in the city means I get to see hipsters sporting the latest fashions of 1988.
If you put your ear to the open mouth of this bottle of vodka you can hear drunk girls crying.
My bathroom floor tastes like loneliness.
If I offer you $100 to give me a handjob and you turn it down you're not really homeless.
Slow night on Twitter, even the guy that steals tweets can't find a good one.