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Finally finished putting up the Christmas lights. The look great, but now I'm pretty sure everyone's going to know I'm living in my car.
Today I went to Rouse's supermarket to pardon a few turkeys. Of course, THEY call it shoplifting.
Disappointed that the CDC has taken to calling it H1N1 instead of the name I suggested, Bacon Fever.
Living well is the best revenge, but the feeling of that knife sinking into those tires was pretty good too.
Whenever my girlfriend says "I love you", my heart melts. Now if I could just get her to stop it with the air quotes.
To those of you who believe we're living in a post-racial society: I still can't jump.
I just got back from a mile long walk in your shoes. Related: You're still an insufferable boob.
In New Orleans, we don't call it alcoholism, we call it Festival Affective Disorder.
Too old to sit in Santa’s lap, they said. This I expected. What Santa didn’t expect was Santa’s Corner carefully recreated in a rental van.
Dad didn’t want to admit that he lied to me about Santa Claus, so Christmas 1983 I ran downstairs to find a elaborately staged homicide.
Dream journal: Train goes into tunnel. Backs out of tunnel. Goes into tunnel. All night I dreamt this. No idea what it means.
I've been getting along with neighbors a lot better since I stopped referring to them as "the others."
I'm not going to kill again. I don't care what the dog says.
Medicaid: What you make when life gives you medics.
Finally got around to seeing "Fast and Furious" and it's nothing like Faulkner's novel.
Christmas again already? Seems like it was just yesterday that I took down last year's concertina wire from the mouth of the chimney.
I know this is last minute, but does anyone know where can I find a quail that I can stuff into my turducken?
Ho! Ho! Santa's on the lawn again! Worst part was getting him out of the
garage. He was stuck behind the 16ft crucifix I put up at Easter.
2010 resolutions: Try to make every day an open tryout for a reality television show.
Who needs a marriage counselor when you've got Yahoo! Answers?
Collaborative and community oriented computer programmer in a committed, although turbulent, relationship with New Orleans. Alan Gutierrez.