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the phone in the guy's hand next to me rang, it sounded like my alarm clock, I yelled fuck and smacked it out of his hand on pure reflex
One thing twitter has taught me: never get married, those fucking people are miserable
If Twitter were a Zoo, the warning sign would read 'please don't feed the egos'
Growing up my friend Clint lost an eye because of a freak BB gun accident. When he is having a good day, he ends all his texts with .-)
Hey young gangsta in the Impala in front of me, if you SIT UP the girls you keep slowing down and honking at could actually see you
Hippies call them flashbacks, the rest of us call them memories
I was surprised to find out 'noodling' for catfish didn't involve using my dick, where are my pants?
I like to go to Walmart and look at shotguns while wearing a Postal uniform. It's my zen.
If Monday were an animal it would be a monkey because it always seems to throw unexpected shit at me
I am convinced my asshole's secret identity is my boss
Whoever started the saying "there is more than one way to skin a cat" must have really hated cats
I left some mushrooms in the work fridge. Now my boss want to schedule a meeting to discuss the lack of dragon sales this quarter.
I think of my tweets that get 1 star as pity starfucks, and I have lots of them, thank you
Twitter is all fun and games until one of the voices in your head begins heckling you while thinking of something to tweet
while drinking coffee in my underwear this morning, I realize that both my kitchen and my pecker could both use a woman's touch #morningwood
You have a awfully high opinion of yourself for someone who lives in my phone
I think there is a direct correlation between cars with bubbling window tint and it's owners broken dreams
When favstar comes back up we will all crash it trying to please our egos
It always amazes me how casual dogs are about giving and/or receiving oral
That awkward moment when you have to say "thank you for holding the door" to the Frankencunt who just cut you off in the parking lot
I don't want to influence your opinion of me.
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