Horrible to think that Neil Armstrong may have been reincarnated as Snooki's baby.

THERE ARE ENOUGH SINGERS NOW. WE DONT NEED TO DISCOVER ANYMORE. WE'RE ALL GOOD ON SINGERS. THANK YOU.

So great to hear what Kirk Cameron thinks about gay people. Anybody know where Tina Yothers stands on the death penalty?

Hey actors who spent thousands on acting classes - you know who's doing a play on Broadway? Mike Tyson. Have a great night!

RIP Donna Summer. You were trending 4 abt an hour but now you've been replaced by "Beliebers & Directioners Are Flawless". Life is hideous.

Congratulations to Mariah Carey's assistants on the birth of their twins! You guys are gonna be great parents.

Sometimes I just want to sit Taylor Swift down and make her watch a documentary about actual human suffering.

You'll appreciate Rick Santorum more once you realize he's being played by Glenn Close.

Halloween is only 2 weeks away! Good news if you have big tits you like to show off, are gay or a child!

Let me know when Paul Ryan launches into the "Respect the Cock" speech from Magnolia.

.@andersoncooper Was it Magic Mike?

Ladies, never buy Activia yogurt because the rest of us are in line behind you thinking "Awww, that poor girl can't shit without yogurt!"

I hesitate to celebrate Bin Laden's death because I remember that time when Roseanne just replaced one Becky with another Becky.

Pink's fetus is less than 3 months old and its already beaten the shit out of Celine Dion's twins.

If Katherine Heigl ever has a celebrity perfume it should be called "Ugh".

Kudos to whatever gay man once looked at ladies doing gymnastics and said "You know what this needs? A ribbon on a stick".

Your mother, some gays, a lot of dumb girls and your publicist. RT @kimkardashian Kardashians is on East Coast! Who's watching?

RIP Cash Cab and congrats on 7 seasons. You paved the way for me to scream at homeless people about Jennifer Garner and I thank you.

Ann Romney is rolling around naked in a bed full of coal right now and laughing hysterically.

He mentioned the internet you guys! That's us!