I think my girlfriend's hallucinating. She keeps telling me she's seeing other people.

This restaurant is amazing. I just got a free meal. They give it to everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs off.

Don't tell me to make myself at home if you don't want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.

When the bed is making more noise than the girl, it’s probably time for a change.

They say spontaneous sex is a good way to keep your sex life interesting. So, while doing the dishes, I surprised myself and masturbated.

The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word "facial" is used.

I hate when women ruin a romantic moment by pepper spraying my entire face.

What do we want?

Apathy!

When do we want it?

Oh, you know, whenever.

I would love to start working out, but I'm beefing up for my "before" picture.

Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.

I agree with much of what you're saying, mostly the brief silent parts between the words.

My girlfriend is worried I'm becoming a workaholic. So, I made a 42-slide Powerpoint presentation to convince her otherwise.

The key to keeping a secret is having a terrible memory.

"God did not create the universe", said Stephen Hawkins.
"Enjoy your chair", God replied.

Remember ladies, men have feelings too. Especially around the heads of their penises.

I bet Yoda has slept with tons of women.

You know, because he uses force.

Twitter, where "over capacity, please wait a moment" means "fuck that, I'm trying it again now".

I find you witty, charming and attractive. And by that I mean I'm drunk.

I'm not going to give money to homeless people anymore. Instead, I will give them a brick as a first step toward owning their own home.

I can’t get any rest with the diaper changing, feeding, screaming and crying. I don't know how other people do it. Taking a hostage is hard.