What a lame bar. The drinks are weak and the women at are all "kind of busy" or "what is your problem" or "this is a pottery class, sir."

Ego and super-ego walk into a bar. Bartender says "I'm gonna need to see some id."

I would never joke about your mother's favorite sexual position.

That would be beneath me.

"Yes"
"Yes"
"Yes"
"Oh, fuck me"

Sex talk or navigating an automated phone menu system?

Roses are red, violets are made of toast I did too many mushrooms my wheelbarrow is a time machine

Amazon has turned FedEx and UPS vehicles into ice cream trucks for grown-ups.

Can you believe this guy watching porn on the bus over my shoulder?

Turns out barelylegal.com is NOT a compendium of 5-4 Supreme Court decisions.

As a retarded faggot, I'm finding many of these YouTube comments quite off-putting.

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in 5 seconds.

Sorry for staring at your boobs, I thought I was wearing sunglasses...

Asian guys with blond hair: You're scaring the baby.

(AP) Andy Rooney dead at 92 after a long battle with pretty much everything.

The wifi goes out at the cafe and it becomes Animal Planet as the hipster meerkats stand up on their hind legs all at once to look around.

“That's what.” - She

"Here, gimme the mouse" is this generation's "Pop the hood and I'll take a look" for guys who don't know what the fuck they're doing.

Don't worry about whose blood it is — do you like the poem or not?

There's a party in my pants and you're inviHELLO THE COASTERS ARE THERE FOR A REASON WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

There's no "I" in "denial".

If you don't have a dog whistle, you can use two girls who haven't seen each other in forEVer.