@biorhythmist's (matt) most faved Tweets...
What a lame bar. The drinks are weak and the women at are all "kind of busy" or "what is your problem" or "this is a pottery class, sir."
"Here, gimme the mouse" is this generation's "Pop the hood and I'll take a look" for guys who don't know what the fuck they're doing.
The wifi goes out at the cafe and it becomes Animal Planet as the hipster meerkats stand up on their hind legs all at once to look around.
Apparently if you call out your own name while masturbating they will kick you off this ferris wheel.
When I was your age we had to stand behind a microphone in front of a brick wall to find out that drunks didn't think we were funny.
If you see a hobo on the bus with a bottle of Maker's Mark today, be nice to him — he's probably just on my way to work.
The only way this middle seat could be more uncomfortable is if the in-flight movie were "Your Parents Doing It: A Documentary"
"Cute baby. What's her name?"
"Brandy Elizabeth"
"So do they put the stripper pole right in the crib or ...?"
I shouldn't be around people.
"Brandy Elizabeth"
"So do they put the stripper pole right in the crib or ...?"
I shouldn't be around people.
'Dry spell' is a sad and boring euphemism. Try something more fun and creative like 'sexabattical' or 'fornivacation'.
That's the third time in a week I've woken myself up by farting. One more complaint and they're not gonna let me drive this bus anymore.
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