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  • biorhythmist
      matt @biorhythmist

    My new hero is the girl on the bus who, when told to smile by a creeper dude, propped up the corners of her mouth with both middle fingers.

    • 3,195
    • FAVS
    MsRiffydarrenNomNom19PeachesMoonyjeunefemme_LukeTyler_coda_zaNerkSchmertcommonsauce
    • 3,617
    • RETWEETS
    anibmegangodsellles_wrighttribe_coffeeKinxDeejeunefemme_thentshingilaTashJoeZA
  • biorhythmist
      matt @biorhythmist

    She said "Hand me that oven mitt" and as he pretended to try to lift the whole stove, the Romneys laughed, but not quite as much this year.

    • 1,374
    • FAVS
    jacqualeeeencorinnegognoduffersEvanOchieJiminyKicksItstrattgfriar_zeroHatredIsMyMuse
    • 1,571
    • RETWEETS
    ErrenMichaelsjacqualeeeencorinnegogJiminyKicksItWeatherthestormstrattgHamsterdamEconRoderickTLong
    SmethanieMmeLaCrooz
  • biorhythmist
      matt @biorhythmist

    You can't unsee the 'twerk' in Kraftwerk

    • 678
    • FAVS
    dantsypantsdanicak75BayJeasleyalexluwilliamsandresvllgiubeehpreteenagerDanKCharnley
    • 1,268
    • RETWEETS
    bidartidBayJeasleyalemllDrawAndCodedavejphendyandyonpaperRossBullfinchbarklehorse
  • biorhythmist
      matt @biorhythmist

    We can put a man on the moon yet we still keep using the same dated analogy for scientific progress.

    • 506
    • FAVS
    benn3meBromanConsulDanKCharnleyLF925luizougustavoBamWilkinsonMediocreMorgueTheDailySchmuck
    • 920
    • RETWEETS
    akumarBamWilkinsonjasonjarmooshTheDailySchmuckphiabearjendenbratmcilroycTheKevJ
  • biorhythmist
      matt @biorhythmist

    Roses are red, violets are made of toast I did too many mushrooms my wheelbarrow is a time machine

    • 479
    • FAVS
    Tanned_Sassy______welfarehoeBromanConsulDanKCharnleyVerifiedDrunksenderblock23nenillascatalinaize
    • 519
    • RETWEETS
    OnlyPedPerryDMBarr53simardowndad__gummitSaraHarppgrabdmamaNUDES4Childrennickhamerpagt
  • biorhythmist
      matt @biorhythmist

    Girl are you a tube of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls because I want to bang you on the counter

    • 698
    • FAVS
    yessthisistiffzwhyims1ngleJoeBRobbinsDanKCharnleyDistantTrainSoundsLockeYourPal_MalwhlteXbread
    • 271
    • RETWEETS
    TrippinTrentmillerjenna733WryGuy77bluetshirtsarahlestrangexbriar_roseCliffordMyersanaluisaa25
  • biorhythmist
      matt @biorhythmist

    As a retarded faggot, I'm finding many of these YouTube comments quite off-putting.

    • 749
    • FAVS
    BromanConsulDanKCharnleybigailpaigeWatch7owerShutyourbuttsLatherRinseRTandbaskinleovader
    • 205
    • RETWEETS
    eltweedoAndre_3004jawshwaritcherdgordiesuxx__CocaineSpankhi_im_luissbread_thingWyanRilson
    5ick5YUCKYBOTTheNardvarkdesignersaysTrainedHedonistTequilaTears
  • biorhythmist
      matt @biorhythmist

    Ego and super-ego walk into a bar. Bartender says "I'm gonna need to see some id."

    • 441
    • FAVS
    CridmoBromanConsulDanKCharnleyEvaGiselleLF925jpr602jeremyturnerVerifiedDrunk
    • 310
    • RETWEETS
    nenillasNbombyoCrownLynOftenWallyEvanSus96taylorcannon1ThrobbingMoleMrMcPhallus
    HairyJew4LifeGreenLikeCashoriginaljackass__
  • biorhythmist
      matt @biorhythmist

    What a lame bar. The drinks are weak and the women at are all "kind of busy" or "what is your problem" or "this is a pottery class, sir."

    • 718
    • FAVS
    BromanConsulWhatsNikeDanKCharnleydeancas5idyVerifiedDrunktwitsandgiggledhaakonaawhatitis112
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    MHJBNMattheveliwhatitis112BabetteJonesSam_IlesJEEZkanani________SometimesShelbsOneRainyWish
  • biorhythmist
      matt @biorhythmist

    I would never joke about your mother's favorite sexual position.

    That would be beneath me.

    • 469
    • FAVS
    BromanConsulDanKCharnleyEvaGiselleManda_like_wineVerifiedDrunksenderblock23ThozzaGnenillas
    • 244
    • RETWEETS
    JEEZkanani________words_txtStaticPeccheripondjennomialElectric_ChuSpackl3americanheaux
  • biorhythmist
      matt @biorhythmist

    I want to ruin our friendship's brains out

    • 390
    • FAVS
    BromanConsulDanKCharnleyEamonToPleaseBK_RTsVerifiedDrunkScottieKendrickgbascosLikeWildBulls
    • 287
    • RETWEETS
    BK_RTsLetsBeSapidale_ks_andraaasim_syedemma_p23AtariNosferatuZabeMarstobieMFabel
  • biorhythmist
      matt @biorhythmist

    *new Pope emerges wearing a deadmou5 helmet*
    *raises his arms and starts nodding*
    *bass drops*

    • 297
    • FAVS
    ChuckyNookieBromanConsulManda_like_wineVerifiedDrunkwhatitis112jmoats53lanebanningOuterJohn
    • 324
    • RETWEETS
    JessicaLowdenChendanaLoasanaskellington85ChloeeezenthesunzoominginmayplesyrupgirlTheJordanConwayDeceasednRad
    UNTRESOR
  • biorhythmist
      matt @biorhythmist

    "Yes"
    "Yes"
    "Yes"
    "Oh, fuck me"

    Sex talk or navigating an automated phone menu system?

    • 266
    • FAVS
    BromanConsulDanKCharnleyShittingtonUKSaraThomas84rogerclarkTheFearBoners____KuraFireNurseMurderer
    • 351
    • RETWEETS
    gunsandglittersAngryTenguys930921_the_Xero_LyndseyWagnerlibk3ncrankytigerDefiantAndi
  • biorhythmist
      matt @biorhythmist

    Roses are red, violets are made of toast I did too many mushrooms my wheelbarrow is a time machine

    • 232
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyKieronMcKVerifiedDrunkSaraThomas84tjschuckjedwardcooperDaddyJewomfuckingfuck____
    • 353
    • RETWEETS
    crazyinkansas1BobYarrowPhantasmagoriaxcaaataclysmiRokeSmeeferladyfiredancer_notyourmom_NurseMurderer
    joelebean
  • biorhythmist
      matt @biorhythmist

    Go home, CNN, you're drunk.

    • 184
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyManda_like_wineVerifiedDrunkthispartyislameEmira_AOGprojectpatslygoteManarSuw
    • 353
    • RETWEETS
    _Special_News_slygoteHarphamMarktarakrzyzewskipitt312joshbachynskiGalilaAlJifritjwell01
  • biorhythmist
      matt @biorhythmist

    Amazon has turned FedEx and UPS vehicles into ice cream trucks for grown-ups.

    • 427
    • FAVS
    ChuckyNookieMissKriss10Hello__PotatoesSoundsLockeBromanConsulffsienna27theonlydevisMelissaKittchen
    • 84
    • RETWEETS
    Hello__Potatoesspbarry1courtmeetslifeVertigoStartheonlydevisSullusttwrk_drake_p
  • biorhythmist
      matt @biorhythmist

    Can you believe this guy watching porn on the bus over my shoulder?

    • 466
    • FAVS
    BromanConsuljeremyturnertwitsandgiggledwhatitis112SaraThomas84rogerclarkNurseMurdererJEEZkanani________
    • 24
    • RETWEETS
    JEEZkanani________drake_ptulangorenBubblious_NinaMnemoSynShowMeTheBergerTheLaughBankmeare23
  • biorhythmist
      matt @biorhythmist

    Turns out barelylegal.com is NOT a compendium of 5-4 Supreme Court decisions.

    • 301
    • FAVS
    BromanConsulLF925VerifiedDrunkwhatitis112lanebanningSaraThomas84KuraFireNurseMurderer
    • 170
    • RETWEETS
    zachisonfiredrake_pzacwhiteRneeErneNreeAlbertoPLagnel_kaasoftlizardbill
    Bagyants
  • biorhythmist
      matt @biorhythmist

    Stressed out about finals? Relax. Take a deep breath. Blink. Whoops now you’re 38. Sorry.

    • 269
    • FAVS
    WhiteCrow12dan_sullydavedittell_BeY0Utiful_____hannahhelpioNicoGlennontimejunkyfailjuice
    • 196
    • RETWEETS
    ColinLeasejeffreymfosterTriciaJoyybenittto2Favstar250Looandowskiclaressjarmo_perala
  • biorhythmist
      matt @biorhythmist

    "How can I make this about me?" - the internet

    • 261
    • FAVS
    VerifiedDrunkbigchazcelesteasaurustrevorpercySaraThomas84ChanaMessingerKuraFireJEEZkanani________
    • 190
    • RETWEETS
    celesteasauruswilfwilsonGeneAdriftJEEZkanani________nicholaspatriryanwhitneyFavstar250chrislong________
@biorhythmist

@biorhythmist

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