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"It's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve." -confused homophobe
"Who am I to judge?" -Pope Rational the first
Instead of presents, give your kids "presence." Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
My stomach is a game of Tetris with a permanent gap shaped like a pizza slice.
Wednesday is just Monday wearing a fedora.
I love the troops. Because if they weren't the troops, I would be the troops. And I would be the worst troops. Happy Memorial Day.
Ironically, "Hate-erade" is actually filled with electro-likes.
Why do drugs when we have pizza?
Pizza doesn't need commercials. All they have to say is, "Remember pizza?"
People get that Stephen Colbert is playing a character, right?
Gwen Stefani has done more for the spelling of "bananas" than all third grade teachers combined.
If we ALL go back to bed, there's nothing they can do.
Governor Christie, we need you to eat the hurricane.
On 100 city tour. Chicago, Seattle, LA, Florida, other places.