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"It's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve." -confused homophobe
"Who am I to judge?" -Pope Rational the first
Instead of presents, give your kids "presence." Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
I love the troops. Because if they weren't the troops, I would be the troops. And I would be the worst troops. Happy Memorial Day.
Pizza doesn't need commercials. All they have to say is, "Remember pizza?"
People get that Stephen Colbert is playing a character, right?
If we ALL go back to bed, there's nothing they can do.
Governor Christie, we need you to eat the hurricane.
In 1776 some shit went down and tomorrow there's a BBQ at my parents' house.
If "k" replaces "ok" forever I'm gonna fucking flip out.
If you drink and drive, you're an asshole. RT
Tweets are just thinking farts.