"It's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve." -confused homophobe

Instead of presents, give your kids "presence." Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

I love the troops. Because if they weren't the troops, I would be the troops. And I would be the worst troops. Happy Memorial Day.

Governor Christie, we need you to eat the hurricane.

"How'd you get so pregnant?" "Yeezy taught me." #kimye

If you drink and drive, you're an asshole. RT

The new "Oz" made $80 million this weekend. The original made $17 million total. Nice try, original. Ever heard of JAMES FRANCO?

"You're joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?" -Jesus

Soon every possible joke will be written on twitter and we will be forced to face our feelings.

THE GREATEST CAT PHOTO (via @huffpostcomedy) Cat photobombs cat. pic.twitter.com/4x1FyrmExB

Mitt Romney urges Americans: "Stay in your mansions."

I keep thinking every Mumford & Sons song is that other Mumford & Sons song.

I love the troops. Because if they weren't the troops, I would be the troops. And I would be the worst troops. Happy Memorial Day.

Kenan saying, "Hey that costs us money" after Samuel Jackson curses is one of the best improvs i could possibly imagine. #SNL

If people were as witty in real life as they are on twitter, life would feel a lot like "Gilmore Girls."

Beyonce forgot her pants. THE SHOW MUST GO ON!! #Superbowl

Dear the news, stop making killers so famous.

Gonna watch my favorite Easter film: Donnie Darko.

The costumes in Les Miz are terrible. Everyone looks poor! #Oscars