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"It's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve." -confused homophobe
"Who am I to judge?" -Pope Rational the first
Instead of presents, give your kids "presence." Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
When I think of Mail Chimp I think of MURDER.
Wednesday is just Monday wearing a fedora.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
My stomach is a game of Tetris with a permanent gap shaped like a pizza slice.
I love the troops. Because if they weren't the troops, I would be the troops. And I would be the worst troops. Happy Memorial Day.
Fox News is so torn on the Cosby situation because they hate black people but love rape.
Mail Chimp killed Hae.
Ironically, "Hate-erade" is actually filled with electro-likes.
Why do drugs when we have pizza?
Bill O'Reilly is such a jackass that someone parodied his personality for NINE YEARS.
Florida is that friend you make fun of and then you're like "can I swim in your pool?"
On #ThankGodForJokes 100 city tour. Next stop New Years Eve in #Seattle!!! http://www.stgpresents.org/tickets/eventdetail/1521/-/-