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"It's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve." -confused homophobe
"Who am I to judge?" -Pope Rational the first
Instead of presents, give your kids "presence." Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
Wednesday is just Monday wearing a fedora.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
My stomach is a game of Tetris with a permanent gap shaped like a pizza slice.
I love the troops. Because if they weren't the troops, I would be the troops. And I would be the worst troops. Happy Memorial Day.
Ironically, "Hate-erade" is actually filled with electro-likes.
Why do drugs when we have pizza?
Pizza doesn't need commercials. All they have to say is, "Remember pizza?"
People get that Stephen Colbert is playing a character, right?
My body is a Wonder bread.
Florida is that friend you make fun of and then you're like "can I swim in your pool?"
Gwen Stefani has done more for the spelling of "bananas" than all third grade teachers combined.
RT if you've followed someone on twitter and then realized you hate them.
On #ThankGodForJokes 100 city tour. Next stops #SanDiego, #LosAngeles, #SantaRosa & New Years Eve in #Seattle!!!