All women have an inner sexual deviant dying to get out. It's your job to make them feel sexy & confident enough to show it to you.

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She's fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

I've taken the time to compile a list of things I Won't do sexually with a woman
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. Last more than 2 minutes

'Fifty Shades of Blue' is the title of my new book...it's a retrospect from a testicles perspective about being married to a frigid bitch

BEER;
You make the dark days brighter, the fat girls thinner, the ugly girls prettier, my work days bearable and the shitty tweets starable

Spent the evening doin unspeakable things to an origami vagina
Unspeakable cause I have like a dozen paper cuts on my tongue






And penis

Damn it twitter...I'm on a date and she doesn't tweet, I should dump her now!
What? Your right I should fuck her first
Thanks twitter!

Pain is inevitable...suffering is optional

The future can't change the past but the past can sure fuck up your future...

Let it go...

The problem with a twitter addiction is wanting to read & star all the good shit all of you post & not being able to keep up & have a life:(

I love the racist assholes that rant about people needing to speak English in America
How bout learning Apache cuz you ain't in Britain dick

My ex-wife's birthday today
I got her a strip-o-gram. It's the same stripper I was banging before we split
I want her to see it was worth it

The word FUCK is like malleable clay that can be formed into both beauty & beast. It's versatility makes it the cornerstone our vocabulary.

For Halloween I'm gonna go as a man pretending to be a woman, pretending to be a man, pretending to be Chaz Bono, pretending to be a star.

So when buying condoms at the grocery and they ask "paper or plastic?" it's apparently inappropriate to say "no I'll just raw dog it"

I'm guessing if you're on twitter & have 0 favorites that you don't tip your waitress & who ever you're fucking has to pleasure themselves

In an effort to be more health conscious I'll only be giving out sugar free candy in the van for now on
Protein shakes also available inside

Look I said some things I didn't mean
Her: like when you called me a dirty cum bucket
Me: no, no when I said you should leave your husband

If you can watch a TV cooking program & not snicker every time they mention 'dry rub' or 'pulled pork' than FUCK YOU we're never hanging out

If you answer by shaking your head or give direction by pointing, I'll respond excitedly w/"What's that Lassie! Timmy fell in a mine shaft!"