Who cares if she spits or swallows you just got your dick sucked moron

Cardboard signs are tweets for homeless people.

Nobody hates you because you're beautiful. They hate you because you're a dumb cunt.

Glitter is the herpes of the craft world because once you have it on you it will never go away.

Hey guys I found Jesus. There's like a million of them down in Mexico.

I once heard it sets a bad example asking your kid to get you a beer from the fridge and it's like wow ZERO reasons to have a kid.

Thanks for that tweet, which has been available on tshirts for at least 15 years.

Guys, your @ replies to girls are desperate and creepy and even weird out us other creeps. Don't step your game up, shut it the fuck down.

"This is bull shit" -- CSI: Farmville

I don't care if you take the low road or the high road just so long as it takes you the fuck away from me.

Putting on a pair of jeans that just came out of the dryer is as close as I'm getting to a blowjob right now.

Gonna open a specialty tea shop that caters to asshole clientele called Tea Bags for D-Bags.

So many people support freedom of speech until they hear something that pisses them off.

Here, have a straw, because you fucking suck.

You went from "it's complicated" to "single"? No way! I totally thought you guys were gonna make it.

Gays still can't marry in most of this country yet just two days ago people were going around saying "land of the free" with a straight face

I'm pretty horrible even at fake relationships

I love social networking because it involves neither socializing nor networking.

If I could have a useless power I would want the ability to be there whenever a person realizes their tattoo is fucking stupid.

Wow we are all pretty proud of being horrible