The Asian guy in a white, three-piece suit, dark purple shirt, grey tie, has been designated the unicorn of this bar.

I think of many of my tweets being subtweets to humanity in general, ready to be slipped into the TL of those less clever & eloquent than me

Hey, maybe someday "blithering idiot" will be an actual job that you can apply for.

@shadyharbingerr thanks, I appreciate that. And those unfollowers were probably going to eat a big bag of dicks anyway.

Freddy Fender and Flaco Jimenez wanted for questioning. pic.twitter.com/q4xhZsck7q

Don't worry about holding back on that tweet. They weren't going to love you for it anyway.

Telly Savalas walks up to you. "Who loves ya, baby?" Crickets.

You are the default ringtone of human existence.

Your value is so low that my baseball card collection just snickered at you.

hey if you divide by zero the result is either indeterminate or infinity it's not that big of a deal so shut the fuck up already internet

There, there. I'm sure someone's dumb enough to find you interesting.

If there's a porno called The Fisted & The Bi-Curious how do you tell it apart from the Fast & Furious franchise?

so are collard greens just vegetables that have been arrested

@benroy00 goddamn autocorrect

Just went to @benroy00's outstanding album recording. So fucking edgy.

hey guys drinking fireball cinnamon whisky were vaginas on sale 2-for1

If I ever have kids and they don't re-enact the battle of Jutland during bath time I will sell them.

It may be mathematically justifiable but when you round 666.6 up to 667 we know it's just because you're a pussy.

Tweets with the word "shitclown" in them are on a short list of things likely to get a RT from me.

@staygoldengurl oh come on now as always that wasn't targeted at you :P