I think that if I was funnier with words, you would all like me more. But I have real friends, and they like me cause of booze. damn drunks.

too many o's in my words and not enough in my pants.

they call it hump day, but i can't remember the last time it lived up to it's name.

every day, it gets harder to not do a few shots at lunch. It's only Irish Whiskey, what could happen?

Dear Twitter, how am i supposed to waste the rest of my day not working without you?! Was it something I said?

You know what I hate? Your stupid fucking face. That's what. Asshole.

I've been working today! Please, try to repress the shock.

what this morning needs is a little irish coffee.

six more minutes till I am out of the office for my 53 hour drinking binge!!!

it's official, you should totally f-off.

One thing about getting drunk in Texas. It is NEVER boring.

work is boring. i would rather be drinking a guinness.

One would think that comedians might have some sense of humor.

what do these people think? It's like they expect me to do work at this job.

i want to get out of the office so i can drink

I'm thinking that if I start drinking now, the chances of killing a family member tomorrow may go down.

I apparently pissed someone off. and seem to have gained some followers. All because of a drunk tweet . Wow, people are easily offended.

not saying I would do @TheUserPool, but his avatar has nice lips. Okay, I'd probably do him.

I like you people because you drink at least as much as I do, but I've never accidentally made out with one of you and had to switch bars.

Most drunken year in my life. 2010 is looking really good so far.