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People say 'take a stab at it' like they put a medium amount of effort in their stabbings.
Every single sandwich you make is just one ingredient away from being an ice cream sandwich.
Just flew in from The Island of Doctor Moreau and boy are my arms tigers.
First thing they teach you in business school is that the laws of supply and demand make the seashore the shittiest place to sell seashells.
I haven't got the nut ratios just right yet, so it's more of a trial mix.
Just 21 more days until I find out if my depression is seasonal!
I'll never forget the day my Dad actually got them to admit they were kidding with those prices.
It's like pimps don't even realize they can wear those outfits without enslaving human beings.
I'm in this crazy on-again, off-again relationship with my pants.
The world's oldest man didn't die, he can't. He's just a different guy now.
Early audiences didn't know how to sit still for an entire movie, so they had to be intimidated by a roaring lion.
When life gives you proms, make promenade
Yeah, I call soda "pop." I also call milk glugglugglug and whipped cream pwoooooooshhhhhttt.
If you watch The Departed backwards it's all like "aaawrup rip blllbdit jwurp gwob swup swup swup"
Everything Kenneth Cole does has an equal and opposite Kenneth Cole Reaction.
Deer always have their game face on.
What if there was a group of people who thought they needed guns to protect them from tyranny but also thought you shouldn't question cops?
I put my game down, flip it and reverse it. Then I field dress it by removing the stomach, intestines, and anus, as well as the upper organs
Male Comedienne/Jewess. Merit Badges: Contributor to @TheOnion, @GetDevastated, @McSweeneys, @BustedTees, @heeb
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