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People say 'take a stab at it' like they put a medium amount of effort in their stabbings.
Every single sandwich you make is just one ingredient away from being an ice cream sandwich.
Just flew in from The Island of Doctor Moreau and boy are my arms tigers.
First thing they teach you in business school is that the laws of supply and demand make the seashore the shittiest place to sell seashells.
I haven't got the nut ratios just right yet, so it's more of a trial mix.
Just 21 more days until I find out if my depression is seasonal!
I'll never forget the day my Dad actually got them to admit they were kidding with those prices.
It's like pimps don't even realize they can wear those outfits without enslaving human beings.
I'm in this crazy on-again, off-again relationship with my pants.
Early audiences didn't know how to sit still for an entire movie, so they had to be intimidated by a roaring lion.
The world's oldest man didn't die, he can't. He's just a different guy now.
If you watch The Departed backwards it's all like "aaawrup rip blllbdit jwurp gwob swup swup swup"
Everything Kenneth Cole does has an equal and opposite Kenneth Cole Reaction.
Deer always have their game face on.
Teen girls! The whole universe is predominantly random, rude and awkward.
Save time by calling out what's so ordered, so kind, so at peace.
When life gives you proms, make promenade
The United States Of America does not negotiate with terrorists. We may inspire them, fund them, goad them, drone their BBQs-but NO NEGOTIAT
Did you know if you fart with headphones on other people can hear it?
Yeah, I call soda "pop." I also call milk glugglugglug and whipped cream pwoooooooshhhhhttt.
Male Comedienne/Jewess. Merit Badges: Contributor to @TheOnion, @GetDevastated, @McSweeneys, @BustedTees, @heeb