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People say 'take a stab at it' like they put a medium amount of effort in their stabbings.
Every single sandwich you make is just one ingredient away from being an ice cream sandwich.
First thing they teach you in business school is that the laws of supply and demand make the seashore the shittiest place to sell seashells.
I haven't got the nut ratios just right yet, so it's more of a trial mix.
Just 21 more days until I find out if my depression is seasonal!
Just flew in from The Island of Doctor Moreau and boy are my arms tigers.
I'll never forget the day my Dad actually got them to admit they were kidding with those prices.
It's like pimps don't even realize they can wear those outfits without enslaving human beings.
If you watch The Departed backwards it's all like "aaawrup rip blllbdit jwurp gwob swup swup swup"
The world's oldest man didn't die, he can't. He's just a different guy now.
Everything Kenneth Cole does has an equal and opposite Kenneth Cole Reaction.
Teen girls! The whole universe is predominantly random, rude and awkward.
Save time by calling out what's so ordered, so kind, so at peace.
Deer always have their game face on.
The United States Of America does not negotiate with terrorists. We may inspire them, fund them, goad them, drone their BBQs-but NO NEGOTIAT
Did you know if you fart with headphones on other people can hear it?
When life gives you proms, make promenade
I'm in this crazy on-again, off-again relationship with my pants.
Tip: Switch switchblade hilt widths for which width fits a sixth of your Switch Fist grip width. (See fig.6)
I put my game down, flip it and reverse it. Then I field dress it by removing the stomach, intestines, and anus, as well as the upper organs
Dude sports'd the guy with three in the blanket, if he can maintain a deli flop average over skrunting the punt...
-What you all sound like.
Male Comedienne/Jewess. Merit Badges: Contributor to @TheOnion, @GetDevastated, @McSweeneys, @BustedTees, @heeb