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  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    People say 'take a stab at it' like they put a medium amount of effort in their stabbings.

    • 880
    • FAVS
    RainbowKohlMrsTomServogefiltecatJacobWishnewRuthAnnJoyharrisonvcHeyAlexParkerthesaurosie
    • 474
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatharrisonvcjewpizzalovemydogduckminnie_in_pink7asdfsemiLindsamorphousjoshuaantonic
    Cheese_Pilelil_aracuanhavingafatday
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    Every single sandwich you make is just one ingredient away from being an ice cream sandwich.

    • 533
    • FAVS
    allieee_katttBartonopolischarpidgeonNatBenColBrianaJohnnyTehNemsterlessjunkfoodklobing
    • 312
    • RETWEETS
    cotetorieKrisClarksterversacelolitamcgaritydotmeNotJesusCTrevorSinkealienqrlhaleysfalling
    McSwtrvstStu_Monster
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    First thing they teach you in business school is that the laws of supply and demand make the seashore the shittiest place to sell seashells.

    • 534
    • FAVS
    2uesdaysgoneMrsTomServogefiltecatharrisonvcTwOffensiveGuysjonahbokononistMeat_spoonchapel3929
    • 243
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatlovemydogducknielsend13champiozvleedvmeganowensxideawhorejinkee
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    I haven't got the nut ratios just right yet, so it's more of a trial mix.

    • 429
    • FAVS
    2uesdaysgonegefiltecatharrisonvcLetUsRagelovemydogduckchampiozBurds_1Amanda_inabox
    • 169
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatlovemydogduckjosePhDhoranLeeptheSneakMickeyBee42Cheese_Pileversacecctomlintulips
    tastefactory
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    Just 21 more days until I find out if my depression is seasonal!

    • 355
    • FAVS
    2uesdaysgoneTwOffensiveGuysLetUsRagelovemydogduckTinyDemonHandsJustSomeGingeTheGeorgeymaryamasafar
    • 159
    • RETWEETS
    lovemydogduckLindsamorphousmaryamasafarFrenulumBrevejinkeeAmericanDingusdreamboateyesThirstySusRando
    Hustleupagus04
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    I'll never forget the day my Dad actually got them to admit they were kidding with those prices.

    • 332
    • FAVS
    2uesdaysgonegefiltecatlovemydogduckchampiozBurds_1_sam_adihashughesjosePhDhoran
    • 112
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatlovemydogducksirpickellfroonding_loomfriendliestbeeBrittany_KovelahatwearerErinEph
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    It's like pimps don't even realize they can wear those outfits without enslaving human beings.

    • 276
    • FAVS
    2uesdaysgonerochshellyMrsTomServogefiltecatTwOffensiveGuysglo_stevenslovemydogduckBurds_1
    • 133
    • RETWEETS
    rochshellydocrocktex26gefiltecatBenjAndrewMusiclovemydogduckweirdtwitsteraspIodedmeganowensx
    MadCashAcidCat____
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    Just flew in from The Island of Doctor Moreau and boy are my arms tigers.

    • 245
    • FAVS
    WordDamagedoug_organlindksterTHEBINGBING_COMmarathonsunmusicbaumcraigmoreaumaya_dancer
    • 147
    • RETWEETS
    musicbaumBlunderingIdiomCojackAttackMasterOfMoppetsmatthaliusTeejayRushTheUnDanielpatrickoriley
    patrickoriley
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    If you watch The Departed backwards it's all like "aaawrup rip blllbdit jwurp gwob swup swup swup"

    • 194
    • FAVS
    2uesdaysgoneharrisonvcjonahbokononistlovemydogduckjinkeejohnbrandonDefUSKCheese_Pile
    • 75
    • RETWEETS
    harrisonvclovemydogduckjinkeeCheese_Pileyerpalmildsauceth3proudn3rdVampireIguanajswoopg76
    ManipulateThis
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    Everything Kenneth Cole does has an equal and opposite Kenneth Cole Reaction.

    • 183
    • FAVS
    2uesdaysgoneBurds_1jinkeetomlintulipsThirstySusRandocoolgothsweaterHumor_Fetishcrazylikeanox
    • 75
    • RETWEETS
    jinkeeDoctor_CheeksThirstySusRandocoolgothsweaterchristtendenVampireIguanaLetdownLizzieRobertLong4man
    christtenden
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    The world's oldest man didn't die, he can't. He's just a different guy now.

    • 172
    • FAVS
    2uesdaysgoneriley_foxharrisonvccolleenosaurusBurds_1nudenudenudejinkeeAlmightySpeck
    • 77
    • RETWEETS
    LindaStaaiantherageharrisonvcearfdaejinkeeglitteringvoidfucpkaka_fatman
    FuckTyping
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    Teen girls! The whole universe is predominantly random, rude and awkward.

    Save time by calling out what's so ordered, so kind, so at peace.

    • 145
    • FAVS
    2uesdaysgoneBurds_1kerenhdz77DaPantyDroppaCuba_Libre_Jrgood_acidjxmannersSMLXist
    • 66
    • RETWEETS
    mentaldeletekerenhdz77jxmannersweirdtwitsterSMLXist_sailorlunaJoshJVWErnieLies
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    The United States Of America does not negotiate with terrorists. We may inspire them, fund them, goad them, drone their BBQs-but NO NEGOTIAT

    • 142
    • FAVS
    2uesdaysgoneharrisonvcBurds_1ConstantlyjoshjinkeeTobyHarper1MCpizzatimeJbnixa73
    • 68
    • RETWEETS
    regularshaysandyjreeseharrisonvcjinkeealexbarker763glatoris_ollimablyaka_fatman
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    Did you know if you fart with headphones on other people can hear it?

    • 155
    • FAVS
    2uesdaysgonegefiltecatgabemakesmusicBurds_1JustPressGoScrambledMceggsconjonoramahodughXO
    • 52
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatseanyeattsjinkeeHymTheGrimeGodStonantPlayHausMusicMike_Bianchicynder401
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    Deer always have their game face on.

    • 149
    • FAVS
    2uesdaysgonegefiltecatharrisonvcBurds_1jinkeeDickkLegsyerpalmildsaucekrakkenlackin
    • 58
    • RETWEETS
    sandyjreeseharrisonvcjinkeeyerpalmildsauceVampireIguanaknot_eyespecialhugmountainstainer__
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    When life gives you proms, make promenade

    • 151
    • FAVS
    2uesdaysgonegefiltecatgabemakesmusicBurds_1FuckTypingveryrareurlThirstySusRando5446667
    • 53
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatellitmotomlintulipsBlameItOnJoeThirstySusRandocoolgothsweaterJimmymesser1000VampireIguana
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    Tip: Switch switchblade hilt widths for which width fits a sixth of your Switch Fist grip width. (See fig.6)

    • 128
    • FAVS
    2uesdaysgonegabemakesmusicBurds_1jinkeeyerpalmildsaucekrakkenlackinth3proudn3rdGalaxyDog420
    • 58
    • RETWEETS
    MaxLightssyerpalmildsauceth3proudn3rdGalaxyDog420VampireIguanaknot_eyestunt_birdJMHarenchar
    ElektraLuxxx
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    I put my game down, flip it and reverse it. Then I field dress it by removing the stomach, intestines, and anus, as well as the upper organs

    • 134
    • FAVS
    2uesdaysgoneBurds_1iAmNotNickVoStrangerSongideawhorejinkeespiraleyeholesThirstySusRando
    • 44
    • RETWEETS
    schloranticsweirdtwitsterideawhoreThirstySusRandocoolgothsweaterfucpkCassySpringerVampireIguana
    SaddestTiger
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    Dude sports'd the guy with three in the blanket, if he can maintain a deli flop average over skrunting the punt...
    -What you all sound like.

    • 127
    • FAVS
    2uesdaysgoneMike_BianchightoastMyndiBolognaLeeptheSneakfjuckingpunmagnatekimjong_thrill
    • 48
    • RETWEETS
    LeeptheSneakDickkLegsyerpalmildsauceLetdownLizzienakedlaughing__GFGanderLindsamorphousEBJW
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    Kush got me feeling like I picked my favorite jellybean in the dark.

    • 119
    • FAVS
    2uesdaysgonelamoureux_eJimmymesser1000WuddupBooshVampireIguanaHumor_FetishMaxLightssDukeRaccoon
    • 52
    • RETWEETS
    VampireIguanaLetdownLizziedenverbellefavstar1000favsemmughtweetlesstorismfrxbrettandersonnn
@bizmichael

@bizmichael

Male Comedienne/Jewess. Merit Badges: Contributor to @TheOnion, @ONN, @GetDevastated, @BustedTees, @heeb, @TheImpersonals