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People say 'take a stab at it' like they put a medium amount of effort in their stabbings.
Every single sandwich you make is just one ingredient away from being an ice cream sandwich.
What if there was a group of people who thought they needed guns to protect them from tyranny but also thought you shouldn't question cops?
First thing they teach you in business school is that the laws of supply and demand make the seashore the shittiest place to sell seashells.
Just 21 more days until I find out if my depression is seasonal!
I haven't got the nut ratios just right yet, so it's more of a trial mix.
I'm in this crazy on-again, off-again relationship with my pants.
I'll never forget the day my Dad actually got them to admit they were kidding with those prices.
"It's a living!" - Italian Dr. Frankenstein
It's like pimps don't even realize they can wear those outfits without enslaving human beings.
The world's oldest man didn't die, he can't. He's just a different guy now.
Early audiences didn't know how to sit still for an entire movie, so they had to be intimidated by a roaring lion.
Yeah, I call soda "pop." I also call milk glugglugglug and whipped cream pwoooooooshhhhhttt.
Author of All The Feelings: Hella Dramatic Monologues For Thespians Of A Teen Age and Oh, The Flesh You Will Eat! Contributor to @TheOnion & @getdevastated
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