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  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    People say 'take a stab at it' like they put a medium amount of effort in their stabbings.

    • 890
    • FAVS
    PanicRestroomnocturnologytheblackbelt197street_doggeeNickiFredarrrkstarrrjackbouliaBeesthegame
    • 475
    • RETWEETS
    darrrkstarrrjackbouliaBeesthegameMasterOfTheTeargefiltecatharrisonvcjewpizzalovemydogduck
    Cheese_Pilelil_aracuanhavingafatday
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    Every single sandwich you make is just one ingredient away from being an ice cream sandwich.

    • 542
    • FAVS
    PanicRestroomallegramiriamnocturnologyVegasTayKDewaldomarinhubkajackbouliaBeesthegame
    • 313
    • RETWEETS
    VegasTayKillgarCIAlaterjackbouliaBeesthegamejoshvartycotetorieKrisClarksterversacelolita
    McSwtrvstStu_Monster
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    First thing they teach you in business school is that the laws of supply and demand make the seashore the shittiest place to sell seashells.

    • 539
    • FAVS
    nocturnologyDewaldomarinhubkajackbouliaBeesthegame2uesdaysgoneMrsTomServogefiltecat
    • 245
    • RETWEETS
    jackbouliaBeesthegamegefiltecatlovemydogducknielsend13champiozvleedvmeganowensx
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    I haven't got the nut ratios just right yet, so it's more of a trial mix.

    • 431
    • FAVS
    street_doggeeBeesthegame2uesdaysgonegefiltecatharrisonvcLetUsRagelovemydogduckchampioz
    • 169
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatlovemydogduckjosePhDhoranLeeptheSneakMickeyBee42Cheese_Pileversacecctomlintulips
    tastefactory
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    Just 21 more days until I find out if my depression is seasonal!

    • 357
    • FAVS
    street_doggeeBeesthegame2uesdaysgoneTwOffensiveGuysLetUsRagelovemydogduckTinyDemonHandsJustSomeGinge
    • 159
    • RETWEETS
    lovemydogduckLindsamorphousmaryamasafarFrenulumBrevejinkeeAmericanDingusdreamboateyesThirstySusRando
    Hustleupagus04
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    I'll never forget the day my Dad actually got them to admit they were kidding with those prices.

    • 334
    • FAVS
    street_doggeeBeesthegame2uesdaysgonegefiltecatlovemydogduckchampiozBurds_1_sam_adi
    • 112
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatlovemydogducksirpickellfroonding_loomfriendliestbeeBrittany_KovelahatwearerErinEph
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    It's like pimps don't even realize they can wear those outfits without enslaving human beings.

    • 277
    • FAVS
    Beesthegame2uesdaysgonerochshellyMrsTomServogefiltecatTwOffensiveGuysglo_stevenslovemydogduck
    • 133
    • RETWEETS
    rochshellydocrocktex26gefiltecatBenjAndrewMusiclovemydogduckweirdtwitsteraspIodedmeganowensx
    MadCashAcidCat____
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    Just flew in from The Island of Doctor Moreau and boy are my arms tigers.

    • 256
    • FAVS
    YourTextSpokenstreet_doggeeopaquesnakeNickiFrellosaurusgasnerpantsBeesthegamebuddhatree
    • 153
    • RETWEETS
    YourTextSpokenbenittto9BeesthegameFavstar250gefiltecatlllvvvzzzmusicbaumBlunderingIdiom
    patrickoriley
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    If you watch The Departed backwards it's all like "aaawrup rip blllbdit jwurp gwob swup swup swup"

    • 198
    • FAVS
    abbycohenwlThirstForBootymarinhubkaBeesthegame2uesdaysgoneharrisonvcjonahbokononistlovemydogduck
    • 77
    • RETWEETS
    ThirstForBootyBeesthegameharrisonvclovemydogduckjinkeeCheese_Pileyerpalmildsauceth3proudn3rd
    ManipulateThis
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    The world's oldest man didn't die, he can't. He's just a different guy now.

    • 187
    • FAVS
    MrTaylorsMathFauxgyptianmorgvannyMikeCanRantThynebearnearly_MitchellAJCuveliernateyg32
    • 85
    • RETWEETS
    ColorBlindBrentMrTaylorsMathmorgvannyYourTextSpokensofieokBeardSpiceBeesthegamegefiltecat
    FuckTyping
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    Everything Kenneth Cole does has an equal and opposite Kenneth Cole Reaction.

    • 185
    • FAVS
    marinhubkaBeesthegame2uesdaysgoneBurds_1jinkeetomlintulipsThirstySusRandocoolgothsweater
    • 76
    • RETWEETS
    BeesthegamejinkeeDoctor_CheeksThirstySusRandocoolgothsweaterchristtendenVampireIguanaLetdownLizzie
    christtenden
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    Teen girls! The whole universe is predominantly random, rude and awkward.

    Save time by calling out what's so ordered, so kind, so at peace.

    • 150
    • FAVS
    BowChickaChouNickiFregasnerpantsBeesthegame2uesdaysgoneBurds_1kerenhdz77cavity_
    • 68
    • RETWEETS
    SlimeSmokerBeesthegamementaldeletekerenhdz77jxmannersweirdtwitsterSMLXist_sailorluna
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    Deer always have their game face on.

    • 153
    • FAVS
    PiecezillagasnerpantsjackbouliaBeesthegame2uesdaysgonegefiltecatharrisonvcBurds_1
    • 61
    • RETWEETS
    jackbouliaBeesthegamegefiltecatsandyjreeseharrisonvcjinkeeyerpalmildsauceVampireIguana
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    The United States Of America does not negotiate with terrorists. We may inspire them, fund them, goad them, drone their BBQs-but NO NEGOTIAT

    • 144
    • FAVS
    street_doggeeBeesthegame2uesdaysgoneharrisonvcBurds_1constantlyjoshjinkeeTobyHarper1
    • 68
    • RETWEETS
    regularshaysandyjreeseharrisonvcjinkeealexbarker763spookymobollimablyaka_fatman
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    Did you know if you fart with headphones on other people can hear it?

    • 156
    • FAVS
    Beesthegame2uesdaysgonegefiltecatgabemakesmusicBurds_1JustPressGoScrambledMceggsconjonorama
    • 52
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatseanyeattsjinkeeHymTheGrimeGodStonantPlayHausMusicMike_Bianchicynder401
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    When life gives you proms, make promenade

    • 152
    • FAVS
    Beesthegame2uesdaysgonegefiltecatgabemakesmusicBurds_1FuckTypingveryrareurlThirstySusRando
    • 53
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatellitmotomlintulipsBlameItOnJoeThirstySusRandocoolgothsweaterJimmymesser1000VampireIguana
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    I'm in this crazy on-again, off-again relationship with my pants.

    • 147
    • FAVS
    WinterEzraCurvyOdditynikepinksunrisenonsensenicholeTotallyAllenOKFineCheese123winkYourTextSpoken
    • 53
    • RETWEETS
    mustkanemirpropagandalovephoebecatesgrapegatsbythejewishjetstreet_doggeeBeesthegameClancy_Pru
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    Tip: Switch switchblade hilt widths for which width fits a sixth of your Switch Fist grip width. (See fig.6)

    • 134
    • FAVS
    pugDNASlimeSmokerDewaldogasnerpantsjackbouliaBeesthegame2uesdaysgonegabemakesmusic
    • 60
    • RETWEETS
    SlimeSmokerBeesthegameMaxLightssyerpalmildsauceth3proudn3rdGalaxyDog420VampireIguanaknot_eye
    ElektraLuxxx
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    I put my game down, flip it and reverse it. Then I field dress it by removing the stomach, intestines, and anus, as well as the upper organs

    • 138
    • FAVS
    Shoutin_BibblesSlimeSmokergasnerpantsBeesthegame2uesdaysgoneBurds_1iAmNotNickVoStrangerSong
    • 47
    • RETWEETS
    Shoutin_BibblesSlimeSmokerBeesthegameschloranticsweirdtwitsterideawhoreThirstySusRandocoolgothsweater
    SaddestTiger
  • bizmichael
      Mike Levine @bizmichael

    Dude sports'd the guy with three in the blanket, if he can maintain a deli flop average over skrunting the punt...
    -What you all sound like.

    • 130
    • FAVS
    BowChickaChouSlimeSmokerBeesthegame2uesdaysgoneMike_BianchightoastMyndiBolognaLeeptheSneak
    • 49
    • RETWEETS
    BeesthegameLeeptheSneakDickkLegsyerpalmildsauceLetdownLizzienakedlaughingGFGanderLindsamorphous
@bizmichael

@bizmichael

Male Comedienne/Jewess. Merit Badges: Contributor to @TheOnion, @GetDevastated, @McSweeneys, @BustedTees, @heeb