"The sign says 'Longhair hippie people need not apply'/So I got a haircut, took a shower, ditched the drum, now I'm gainfully employed."

Remember to turn your cock black tonight.

Being put on the stand to tell of one's sexual abuse is horrifying. Those in the Sandusky trial are heroic. As is any victim testifying.

Book Fact: The original title of "The Da Vinci Code" was "I Know What You Did, Last Supper".

I have to stop practicing my karate moves while peeing.

If I get killed by that falling satellite, I'm gonna sue the shit out of space.

Stupid Facebook. It won't let me change my relationship status to "Been doin' it with some gross chicks".

Fun American Idol drinking game: Drink a ton, don't watch American Idol.

This screeching cat outside my window is either horny or wants to fight. Either way, I'm gonna go out and give her what she wants.

#westoppedtalkingbecause I farted in your dog's face and you so overreacted.

Lederbrosen before lederhosen.

You know those stickers on prescription bottles that say not to mix with alcohol? You can peel those things off.

"In like a lion, out like a lamb."--guy with a strange diet and even stranger digestive system

Fact: Larry King wears those suspenders to hold up his balls.

Fact: Buddy Holly originally wrote the lyric "wee-ooh I look just like Buddy Holly", but realized it was obvious and never recorded it.

Re: Sandusky, do not wish prison rape. Rape of any kind is an abomination. And we should never cheer for the extralegal. Law serves reason.

Crime theory: OJ Simpson and Robert Wagner watched Strangers On A Train together on the set of The Towering Inferno.

Why the moon gotta be all waning gibbous tonight?

I posted this Netflix description a year ago. http://t.co/ewFLjqTT @tvanddinners

Hey Quran. You so fat, you got more pages than NBC's internship program! Oh snap! I just burned the Quran!