My friend and I both had big news. I told her to go first. Her brother was beaten by police in a riot. (I saw a squirrel carrying a lemon).

"Bubbles? Are you fucking kidding me? There's gonna be bubbles?! Fucking count me in!" --Toddlers.

I don't wear flip flops because you don't need to know where I am every goddamn second of the day.

Has anyone ever tried shaking a can of pennies at Lindsay Lohan? A squirt gun? A firm "no"? Maybe alternating wet and dry food?

I hate when people talk during a movie. Well, except for Morgan Freeman.

Don't tell me you have a front stoop, and then tell me you don't know how to braid hair. I'm coming over, figure it out before I get there.

I claim to hate puns, but at least once a week I shake my fist at the calendar and whisper, "Your days are numbered."

My coworkers have agreed that "Still sad about Left-Eye" is no longer a valid excuse for my extended lunch breaks.

My friend said "You HAVE to try this dip," so I did. And then, years later, it turns out I didn't have to. Not cool, Steve.

In Zookeeper, bears talk. Sure. Giraffes dance. Looks cute. A gorilla rows a boat. Whatever. Kevin James dates Rosario Dawson. BULLSHIT.

No one has ever eaten curly fries without someone else saying, "I didn't know they had curly fries here."

My fake laugh is so intense, I'm thinking of challenging Tom Cruise to a duel.

My necktie says I'm professional, while my untucked shirt says I don't understand how first impressions work.

My dream dinner guests? Marcel Marceau, Shields & Yarnell, Harpo Marx, and Teller. Because seriously, shut the fuck up. I'm eating.

"My name is Luka." "I know." "I live on the 2nd floor." "Right, with the early-morning vacuuming." "I live upstairs from you." "I'M AWARE."

I like cooking fajitas, because it's the perfect mix of "I made you dinner!" and "Here, make your own goddamn dinner."

I think Mark Wahlberg is a pretty good actor, but it has never once occurred to me that he might be able to read.

Listen, rich people, I'm tired of being offered generic soda in your homes. Pulling down 6 figures? Put away the Dr. Thunder.

I knew I was getting more mature when I saw someone crowd-surf at a concert, and thought, "I hope one of his friends is holding his wallet."

Her: "Do you have kids?" Me: "No." Her: "None?" Like I misheard her and would say, "Oh, KIDS. Yes, I have seven."