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Am I a horrible person to be annoyed with all the crying over Whitney's death? How much attention does a soldier get when they die? 2 mins?
Has anyone sued Twitter for distracting them and causing a car accident yet?
If not, oh it WILL happen.
Sometimes I want to punch my iPhone in the cunt for trying to correct me.
Can we fast forward to next Wednesday when I get to go on vacation please?!
"Hey laser lips! Your momma was a snowblower!"
Smdh if you don't know this and grew up in the 80's.
It's 4PM! Time to beer a bitch!
You know when you look back at the past week and realize you drank every day except Friday?
HOW DID I MISS FRIDAY?!
Seattle next week and Vegas in May for my 30th birthday. It's going to be a fun couple of months!
Good thing they gave Stevie Wonder a standing ovation...maybe someone will tell him later.
Happy Veteran's Day! Thank you for your service!
On the plus side I had a teenage make out session with my search partner in a gazebo & a car while looking. So I'd say it was a good night.
I can't work out at home because when I lay down for crunches or do push ups my dog's like, "Sweet, mom wants to snuggle with me!!!!!"
Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box?
She kept sitting on Pinnochio's face shouting, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
I <3 that joke
"I fingered a girl with my penis." - my friend Jake
'I'm outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.'