Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot your revenge.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting.

There is no *I* in TEAM. There are, however, 4 I's in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot"

3 kinds of people: Those who learn by reading. Those who learn by observation. And those who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you??

They say that money is not the key to happiness. If I had lots of money, I'd have the key made.

It's going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the world after they inherit it.

I think that it's time for me to put the laughter in manslaughter.

I'm distressed that Twitter is trying to kill that whale by having those birds keep him out of the water for so long.

Beware of the lollipop of mediocrity. One lick and you’ll suck forever.

The only way I could tell you about this coworker of mine would be in a therapist's office with dolls.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Oh yeah! because those men already have boyfriends.

Darlin', please don't sing out loud. You sound like a cow being molested by chipmunks.

When you were young, did he ever say "Let's do it. I promise I'll only put it in for a minute!"? What were we? First generation microwaves?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I never finish what I sta

I walked into work this morning and I realized this isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Take one now, babe.

As our circle of knowledge expands, so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it.