I think most people underestimate how difficult it is to round up, much less organize insane clowns into one cohesive posse.

In our nation's darkest hour. When confused voices cry out for justice. When we need it the most.

That's when the McRib knows to come back.

I don't care what the road to hell is paved with. I'm much more concerned about the fact that we have a road to hell in the first place.

My wife just got her $22 check for jury duty. We're still arguing over which class of yacht best fits our recreational needs.

Dividing my Facebook friends into easy to manage lists. So far I've only got one guy under "Dead Hooker Cleanup Team."

"Our love is more rare than a NM copy of Incredible Hulk 180, which introduced Wolv-"
Shit. I've already ruined this wedding vow, haven't I?

I wouldn't say "sexually harrassed." My boss was right. My shoulders were tense. And it really was too warm in his office to wear pants.

Of course assassins are both silent and deadly. They have "ass" in their name TWICE.

The best thing about hitting the Twitter update button is immediately realizing at least 15 better ways you could have written something.

The first rule of Yacht Club is no minorities.

Wife's eating two year old Nutella from the back of the pantry. A spirit guide should show up soon to ease her through the vision realm.

I'm sorry. I know Taco Bell doesn't have "I hate myself so much" sauce. That just slipped out. No, I'm okay. Where were we? Oh. Mild.

Woke up with Monday spooning me. His breath smells like fresh PowerPoint presentations and sadness.

You need to give up the pacifier. I know, but you're too emotionally- Hey! That's Daddy's iPhone. COME BACK HERE! I NEED THAT! PLEEEEASE!

I just convinced a toddler that Cheerios were beige Froot Loops.

Parenting gets harder, right?

Wow. Really, WOW.

Has cubicle fabric always felt this amazing on my bare nipples?

Or did I put too much ecstasy in my coffee this morning?

Hey, you know who has great dick sucking lips?

Anyone willing to suck your dick.

Thank god Will Smith's daughter got that record deal so I can quit worrying about how that family is going to get by in this recession.

Just dialed 1-900-MIX-A-LOT. Got a call center in India. Luckily, Mr. Patel is confident he can assist me with kicking these nasty thoughts.

Twitter. So easy, a celebrity could do it.