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  • blaine23
      Blainey Ocean @blaine23

    I think most people underestimate how difficult it is to round up, much less organize insane clowns into one cohesive posse.

    • 76
    • FAVS
    littlelambsey____AlexOverHere______RowdyPrimateBurrisHarrismorrosCranberryPerson__colonellilesquirkyfossil
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    nobadgrammar
  • blaine23
      Blainey Ocean @blaine23

    In our nation's darkest hour. When confused voices cry out for justice. When we need it the most.

    That's when the McRib knows to come back.

    • 61
    • FAVS
    littlelambsey____RowdyPrimateBurrisHarriskuti3xoxoTheInfamousGdub__WhatThaFudge______slugworthy________haleymbryant
  • blaine23
      Blainey Ocean @blaine23

    I don't care what the road to hell is paved with. I'm much more concerned about the fact that we have a road to hell in the first place.

    • 60
    • FAVS
    littlelambsey____RowdyPrimateangryczeckBurrisHarrisquirkyfossilreverendrossMODATsucittaM
  • blaine23
      Blainey Ocean @blaine23

    Dividing my Facebook friends into easy to manage lists. So far I've only got one guy under "Dead Hooker Cleanup Team."

    • 55
    • FAVS
    bridgmanangryczeckreverendrossMODATsucittaMJuan_LecheMrBigFistslafix
  • blaine23
      Blainey Ocean @blaine23

    My wife just got her $22 check for jury duty. We're still arguing over which class of yacht best fits our recreational needs.

    • 54
    • FAVS
    llvvzzangryczeckHormonellafunnyguyIan_WrightCkmgierdrongo3
  • blaine23
      Blainey Ocean @blaine23

    "Our love is more rare than a NM copy of Incredible Hulk 180, which introduced Wolv-"
    Shit. I've already ruined this wedding vow, haven't I?

    • 43
    • FAVS
    dirtymemphisangryczeckquirkyfossilreverendrossMODATcravenheart______MrBigFistsmuchty
  • blaine23
      Blainey Ocean @blaine23

    I wouldn't say "sexually harrassed." My boss was right. My shoulders were tense. And it really was too warm in his office to wear pants.

    • 42
    • FAVS
    littlelambsey____alwi85EightBitsShort____reverendrosslafixLillyB116cravenheart______Neon_Penguin
  • blaine23
      Blainey Ocean @blaine23

    Of course assassins are both silent and deadly. They have "ass" in their name TWICE.

    • 42
    • FAVS
    quirkyfossilreverendrossMODATlafixmuchtyyhf_______________unanythingdavio1962
  • blaine23
      Blainey Ocean @blaine23

    The best thing about hitting the Twitter update button is immediately realizing at least 15 better ways you could have written something.

    • 42
    • FAVS
    angryczeckhamcdonnellquirkyfossilreverendrossMODATJuan_LecheMrBigFistsyhf_______________
  • blaine23
      Blainey Ocean @blaine23

    The first rule of Yacht Club is no minorities.

    • 40
    • FAVS
    dirtymemphisquirkyfossilMODATcravenheart______Juan_LecheMrBigFistsangryczeckcrabapplez
  • blaine23
      Blainey Ocean @blaine23

    Wife's eating two year old Nutella from the back of the pantry. A spirit guide should show up soon to ease her through the vision realm.

    • 39
    • FAVS
    reverendrossMODATJuan_LecheMrBigFistscravenheart______jas508unanythingdavio1962
  • blaine23
      Blainey Ocean @blaine23

    I'm sorry. I know Taco Bell doesn't have "I hate myself so much" sauce. That just slipped out. No, I'm okay. Where were we? Oh. Mild.

    • 38
    • FAVS
    dirtymemphisangryczeckquirkyfossilreverendrossMODATJuan_LecheMrBigFistsFriedaClub
  • blaine23
      Blainey Ocean @blaine23

    Woke up with Monday spooning me. His breath smells like fresh PowerPoint presentations and sadness.

    • 38
    • FAVS
    myrios123angryczeckMODATJuan_LecheMrBigFistsGoNowGodavio1962Randy_Stradley
  • blaine23
      Blainey Ocean @blaine23

    You need to give up the pacifier. I know, but you're too emotionally- Hey! That's Daddy's iPhone. COME BACK HERE! I NEED THAT! PLEEEEASE!

    • 37
    • FAVS
    dirtymemphisreverendrossbrieanderthalmuchtyads_infinitumdavio1962courtney_sdavegorum
  • blaine23
      Blainey Ocean @blaine23

    I just convinced a toddler that Cheerios were beige Froot Loops.

    Parenting gets harder, right?

    • 36
    • FAVS
    reverendrossMODATMrBigFistscrabapplezmomkudavio1962thedutydavegorum
  • blaine23
      Blainey Ocean @blaine23

    Wow. Really, WOW.

    Has cubicle fabric always felt this amazing on my bare nipples?

    Or did I put too much ecstasy in my coffee this morning?

    • 36
    • FAVS
    dirtymemphisangryczeckquirkyfossilreverendrossMODATMrBigFistsnever_tellmuchty
  • blaine23
      Blainey Ocean @blaine23

    Hey, you know who has great dick sucking lips?

    Anyone willing to suck your dick.

    • 34
    • FAVS
    quirkyfossilreverendrossJuan_LecheMrBigFistscravenheart______yhf_______________Genius_Fashiontheduty
  • blaine23
      Blainey Ocean @blaine23

    Thank god Will Smith's daughter got that record deal so I can quit worrying about how that family is going to get by in this recession.

    • 32
    • FAVS
    dirtymemphismzeldGirlDetectivethatsnotokbenunanythingNowAPiscesDDDBU____________PyrBliss
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    2inchgirth
  • blaine23
      Blainey Ocean @blaine23

    Just dialed 1-900-MIX-A-LOT. Got a call center in India. Luckily, Mr. Patel is confident he can assist me with kicking these nasty thoughts.

    • 33
    • FAVS
    dirtymemphisRowdyPrimateGreenYogurtreverendrossMODATfreckle_faced____unanythinggarbagetime
  • blaine23
      Blainey Ocean @blaine23

    Twitter. So easy, a celebrity could do it.

    • 32
    • FAVS
    MODATMrBigFistscrabappleznever_tellyhf_______________muchtythedayhascomeRoxanaGonzalez
@blaine23

@blaine23

Get outta my dreams and get into that gimp outfit.